Two Lost Souls Swimming in a Fish Bowl
by heymamawolf
Summary: Puck would never admit it aloud but under all that scary glee intensity, Rachel wasn’t as weird as he thought she was. As long as you steered clear of Broadway and brought a dictionary with you, she could actually be pretty chill. Post Mash-Up. COMPLETE.
1. my mathematical mind

**Disclaimer: **These characters are not mine, the shows not mine, and I took the title from a Pink Floyd song. PLEASE DONT SUE ME, IM JUST AN INSIGNIFCANT, UNEMPLOYED GRAD STUDENT WITH AN OVERACTIVE IMAGINATION.

**Authors Note: **So, I decided to write this after watching Puck's version of "Sweet Caroline" about 89 times and staying up way past my bedtime, getting lost in a number of fantastic stories, including (but not limited to) Lonely Hearts Club by WildIrishRose29 (the title for my piece was inspired by Puck singing Pink Floyd's "Wish You Were Here" in this, so thanks for the lovely image!), Conversations Between Two McKinley High Students by Glow, and A Complete History of Noah Puckerman, Abridged by them0rgue over at LiveJournal. My brain's been completely consumed by Puck and Rachel lately, people. I seriously am considering seeking professional help.

Oh and just as a little advance warning, don't be fooled by the other ships you see sailing through this chapter! I'm all about Rachel and Puck, but am having a seriously hard time convincing myself that their relationship could ever move forward in a realistic way without resolving the issue of them both being clearly in love with other people. But have no fear, if you're like me and easily bored by purely platonic friendship fic that only gives you what you want at the very end, THIS IS TOTALLY NOT THAT. Just FYI.

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**Two Lost Souls Swimming in a Fish Bowl**

**1.** _my mathematical mind_  
-spoon

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There were twenty minutes left in eighth period Study Hall as he stared at Rachels notes in his math textbook; some bullshit about sine and cosine. She had insisted on helping him with his trig in exchange for his time on the guitar last week, but he couldnt remember anything she taught him, just what she said to him on the bleachers last time they talked.

She was right, he had no plans of breaking up with her any time soon. Sure, he thought she was batshit crazy, but her body was killer and they had some pretty memorable make-out sessions in her Candy Land bedroom. Well, that, and he kinda liked how her voice got all soft and girly when it was just them; the way it sounded when she called him Noah. Though Puck would never admit it out loud, under all that scary glee intensity, Rachel wasn't as weird as he thought she was. As long as you steered clear of Broadway and brought a dictionary with you, she could actually be pretty chill.

In fact, she was so different than what he expected, that combined with her tight bod and Jewishness, their little tryst totally took his mind off his baby daddy drama with Quinn, which was definitely more than he could have ever asked for.

Come to think of it, Rachel was right about that, too: that he was still very much in love with Quinn. Guys like Puck didnt use pansy words like love, but the constant urge he had to shove the nearest freshmen into a locker whenever he thought of her not letting him be a "fuckin badass dad" to her unborn child didnt come from guilt or obligation or even jealousy towards Finn. It came from the way his chest tightened up no matter how hard he fought it whenever he thought of his one and only night with her. The night he actually told her how he felt.

Yeah, Rachel had been a pretty pleasant surprise after all, but getting dumped yet again for the likes of Finn? Bros before hos, but come on. Theres only so much a sixteen year-old male ego can take.

It wasn't that he didnt want to be Rachels friend, it just wasnt worth it. Yeah, he thought she was pretty decent, but let's get this straight: 1) Noah Puckerman is never "just friends" with anyone of the female variety, especially when they wear skirts as short as hers, and 2) getting doused with Slushee _sucked_. He was willing to take one for the team (the team, of course, being him and his little bro down below) to get in Rachel's pants, but taking that bullshit to just be _friends_? Thats something Finn would do, not him. Despite the fact that Puck (astonishingly) enjoyed being on Glee, he sure as hell wasnt gonna unnecessarily face more shit from dumbass hockey players about it than he had to. His popularity was already on its last breath of life, and openly being friends with Rachel Berry would just put it out of its misery.

Sighing, Puck slammed his textbook shut and leaned his head back, letting his eyes roll into the back of his head. This is why he never came to fucking study halls; the quiet made it impossible to not get lost in your own head. But he had no choice, the big game was Friday, and if he had any hope of playing, he couldn't piss any of his teachers off.

Slouching in his chair and spreading his legs out in front of him, he tried to clear his mind and catch a quick nap, but all he could think about was Quinn sneaking glances at him yesterday from across the room as Finn and Rachel were belting it out to each other (God, those lovestruck puppy duets made him want to puke) and how, for a brief second, he could have sworn he saw something in her eyes, but it kept vanishing before he could place it, instead replaced with a scowl.

His eyes shot open and he sat up, shaking himself awake. He hated being such a fucking clich. In love with your best friends girl...Was it possible to be any more pathetic? No wait, it was: in love with your best friends girl, who will never _ever _think youre good enough for her. Yeah, that might actually be a record-setting pathetic.

Staring at his textbook, he contemplated the pros and cons in his head before he reached for the phone from his backpack and flipped it open. He scrolled down to the Bs and hit 'Berry'.

**2:42:04 PM****: **yo rach where u at?

A couple minutes later, the phone vibrated in his hand.

**Berry**** 2:44:32 PM****: **Do my eyes deceive me or did Mr. Badassness himself have a change of heart and want to extend an olive branch? Just got out of dance, heading home soon. What's up?

He stared at the phone and thought for a second. It usually took people a good ten minutes to clear out after last period, which gave him a good ten minutes to talk to her before practice without people seeing them.

**2:45:09 PM****: **meet me at ur locker 315

He didn't know what he was fucking thinking, actually wanting to be this chicks friend, but at this point, he didn't really care. She was the only person who'd listen to his PMS-ing and though the thought of seeing her relieved after hearing that Finn wasn't actually the father of Quinn's baby would probably be enough to drive him over the edge, a part of him knew she was the only person he could ever trust. Plus, there had to be some sort of Bro Code for Jews, right?

**TBC**

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	2. love underground

Thanks for all the positive responses! Really glad you guys liked the first chapter, hope you stick along for the ride.

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**2.** _love__ underground_  
-robbers on high street

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In Puck's world, there are basically three things that he can always count on: the sun rising every morning, setting every night, and him never getting stood up. Bear in mind, he was the chick magnet of all chick magnets. A wild stallion, if you will. Girls didn't stand _him_ up, he stood _them_ up. He stood girls up like LeBron played ball, like the Terminator destroyed shit. If standing girls up were an Xbox game, he'd beat it in one sitting. If he actually bothered to pay attention in Spanish class, he could go to _Mexico_ and stand girls up. Hell, he could go to Mexico _now_ and stand girls up, that's how good he was.

So needless to say, when Rachel wasnt waiting patiently by her locker at 3:15, and still not there by 3:20, he was pretty fucking pissed.

Assuming she had decided to give him a taste of his own medicine (it wouldn't be the first time some bitch pulled a fast one on him) he channeled all his anger into tacking the shit out of everything he saw in practice. It wasn't til after, when he finally dug the phone out of his bag, that he saw her text.

In retrospect, he probably should have known better; she wasn't the kind of person who stood people up, no matter how awful they were to her. Berry was like the fucking Energizer bunny: it didnt matter how many times you crushed her spirit or chucked Slushees in her face, she always bounced back with that maniacal smile, always hoping for things to change. Even when she knew people were dicks, she still smiled, but with a scheming glint in her eye that said, "you're so gonna regret that when I'm saving orphans with Brad and Angie and breaking records for the most Tonys and Grammys won in the same year." (Puck didnt know what Tonys or Grammys were, but he was pretty sure he still wouldnt care, even if he did.)

The sky was awash with purple and orange when he pulled his truck into her driveway. Practice had gone over, he was cranky and his shoulder fucking killed, but he knew if he didn't get this out of the way, he'd just wuss out later. Somewhere in Berry's three message long text (oh my _god_, they have character limits for a reason) she had mentioned catching up with him at school, or maybe after Glee. The first was definitely not gonna happen, for obvious reasons, and the second? Let's just say, if there was one person Quinn hated more than him at McKinley, it was Rachel. Better to get this over with now, when no one would know about it. And maybe if he was lucky, he could get her to fool around one last time.

He rang the doorbell and quickly shoved his hands deep in the pockets of his sweatshirt. After a couple seconds, it opened and Rachel was standing in front of him in a tight little pair of yoga pants that he knew, without looking, did wonders to her already wondrous ass.

"Noah? What are you doing here?"

"I was just, ah, on my way home from practice, and I thought I'd stop by and..." He shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly, "say what's up." She looked confused and he suddenly felt nervous. This was such a stupid idea, what was he thinking? But more importantly, _why was he nervous_? It was like the fucking Twilight Zone.

"Noah, I don't think this is a good idea--"

Oh God, he knew that look on her face. She thought he was groveling, that he came to win her back. Rolling his eyes, he pushed his way past her and stepped into the house.

"Listen, Berry, we need to talk. And chill out, I'm not trying to get in your pants again although, for the record, I totally would have if you gave us one more week. And you would have begged for more."

As she closed the door and spun around, all sympathy was gone and she actually looked pretty disgusted.

"Rachel, honey, who is it?" Her dad called from the kitchen.

"It's just Noah, Daddy. We're gonna go up and practice some Glee stuff for a little bit!"

She grabbed his sleeve and quickly pulled him up the stairs. After gingerly closing the door of her bedroom, she turned to him.

"You know what, Noah Puckerman, you have got a _lot_ of nerve. Coming into my house and saying things that are _clearly false_ while _both_ of my fathers are within _earshot_! Your mother--"

"Berry, you better think twice before you say anything about my mother--"

"Your _mother_ would be _ashamed_--" The second her finger started wagging in his face he put his brain in hibernation mode. If this were a week ago, he could have just put his hands on her hips, let his thumbs graze across the skin just above her waistband and her lips would be on his without him really trying. "And _excuse_ me, but you will take that hood off right this instant, this is a _home_, thank you very much."

"Are you done?"

She crossed her arms and thought for a moment. "Yes."

"Thank _god_. Now please, just sit down and shut up for like, five seconds." He took a few steps backwards and plopped onto her bed. "Listen, Rach," he tried really hard not to accept how natural it felt sitting in her Barbie Dream House and how, without thinking, he stopped being Puck and started being Noah. "You were right. About everything."

She moved towards her desk chair and sat down slowly, worried. It was actually kinda cute. If guys like Puck thought things were 'cute'.

"I've just been thinking...All that bullshit you said about me and Quinn, and Finn and you..." Why was he being such a tool? Why couldn't he just say it? "You were right, okay?"

She looked at him with concern and confusion before something in that huge brain of hers clicked.

"Noah, are you trying to say you want to talk about your _feelings_?" She smiled gently and placed her hand on his knee. Ordinarily, he'd be pissed, but there it was: that little, soft, normal voice of hers; the one that somehow made him feel better about things (or at least forget them) no matter how shitty they were.

"Hell no," he retorted, flipping his hood back up, "feelings are for pussies." She rolled her eyes as he puffed his chest up. "I'm just sayin', ya know, if you wanted to do your singing stuff after practice or help me not fail math, I wouldn't complain."

"I knew you'd come around. We really are more alike than you'd ever admit." And there it was: that smug, self-righteous grin.

"Whatever, it's not like we'll be real friends who, like, hang out together at school or say hey to each other in the halls."

"Oh God, of course not." Say _what_? She totally didn't say what he thought she just said.

"Excuse me? You'd be _lucky_ if a stud like me said hey to you in the hall. _I'm_ the one who shouldnt want to be seen with _you_."

"Oh, grow up, I didn't mean it like that. It's just...If there's one thing I've learned at McKinley, it's that there's no use in fighting the social hierarchy. People like you and people like me can coexist within the confines of Glee, but outside? It's just not worth it."

It's like she took the words right out of his mouth, and he smiled to himself. Maybe they actually were more alike than he'd like to admit.

"So yes, I'll be your secret friend." She sighed to herself. "After all, it would be useful to have some insight into the heterosexual male psyche. And your math grades really are abysmal."

"Sweet. I don't really know what abysmal means, but I'll take it as a compliment."

She laughed as she stood, then pulled him into a hug. He knew badasses weren't supposed to think things like this, but it felt nice. Not just her body pressed against his, the flowery smell of her hair overwhelming him as he burrowed his face in her neck, or the way he could wrap his arms completely around her, but just having somebody there. Not having to deal with all his shit alone or trying to protect his rep. (God, what was happening to him? Is this what it felt like to be gay?)

As he pulled away, he thought for a split second about bringing up the Quinn stuff, but if he did, he was pretty sure he'd have to start wearing tampons and watching The View.

"You know what, Noah? I'm starting to think you may actually grow up to be a lovely young man."

"Your face will grow up to be a lovely young man." Some things were too easy to pass up. He laughed out loud and raised his hand for a high five. "Come on, Berry, you can't tell me that wasn't hilarious."

She stared at him disapprovingly before lifting a begrudging hand to give him five.

"That's my girl."

**TBC**

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	3. strange times

**---**

**3.** _strange__ times_  
-the black keys

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"Dude, did a _Liza__ Minelli_ CD just fall out of your locker?"

Wait, he totally had an explanation for this.

---

See, it all started about a month and a half ago, when he and Rachel decided to be "secret friends," which, surprisingly, wasn't as fruity as it sounded. Even though the whole thing was basically his doing, he didn't expect it to last more than a week. Two max. Anything non-physical with girls already had the odds stacked against it, but adding Rachels annoying as shit personality to the mix? Maybe even seven days seemed unrealistic.

At first, things were pretty random. An evening here, a Shabbat dinner there...Nothing big. She picked songs that let him do some more complex stuff on the guitar than "What a Girl Wants" and helped him with geometry. He didn't really care about grades, but when he got a B- on his trig test, his mom was so happy, she beefed up his allowance (better known as Puck's Beer Fund) for the week. To top if off (and this actually is where it does get a little fruity) his teacher told him she was _proud of him_. Used those words exactly. It was the first time anyone other than his mom had said that, and all of a sudden, the thought came to him: maybe if he pulled his grades up, he could not only start getting Sam Adams instead of the cheap shit, but he could also show Quinn that he wasn't some deadbeat, idiot loser. It'd be like killing two birds with one stone.

When he told Rachel his plan, her face lit up.

"Noah, I am not being the least bit facetious when I say that your plan is brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner...That's totally what you need; some sort of incentive! See, for me, that's obviously the Best New Artist Grammy, but for you this is _perfect_."

They decided to take baby steps, and focus first on what was actually within the realm of possibility. English was out because, well, expecting Puck to read books? Not gonna happen. And science? Way too much shit with weird names. Numbers he could do though. And if he actually tried, he thought he might be pretty good at it.

Not too long after, they decided on a plan and Rachel set up a schedule. Ordinarily, the thought of being told where to be and when by someone other than his mom or a coach wouldn't fly, but this was different. They met up Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays after basketball practice. First, they got their homework out of the way, then if they had some time before the Pepto Bismol of her walls started to make him feel nauseous, they'd practice whatever shitty pop song she was into that week. It was actually a pretty perfect set up.

Sometime after that (he's not quite sure when) things began to change, and they were suddenly talking about stuff that didn't involve converting radians to degrees or how to hit the elusive high B. It probably started with Rachel talking about Finn ALL THE FUCKING TIME, almost always eliciting a series of intense gagging sounds from Puck as he pretended to hurl. It wasnt his fault though, because the things she said really _did_ make him want to vomit. But in all honesty, he probably laid it on thick in his attempts to take the attention off himself. He still wasn't used to all this feelings garbage. He knew the whole reason he started this mess was to have someone to tell about Quinn and his baby, but whatever, opening up to her wasnt as easy as it sounded. Partly because saying it out loud scared him shitless, and partly because...There was just never a right time to bring it up? (That was totally a lie and the punk-ass excuse he told himself as he made his way home everyday.)

But it wasn't just the feelings shit they talked about. After a few weeks, he knew what the first musical she saw on Broadway was (_Cats_ when she was five...but if you told anyone he knew that, he'd have to legit beat the shit out of you) and she knew that he got cut from his first pee wee football team for being scrawny and awful (which just made him want it more-- see, they really _were_ alike!). They even knew each others favorite TV shows and watched them together every now and then. He dug _Friday Night Lights_, she lived and breathed _American Idol_ and she mocked him mercilessly for being such a stereotype...Until she saw that Tim Riggins guy and decided maybe football wasn't as bad as she thought it was.

Despite the million directions their conversations went between math problems and evening snacks, somehow it always came back to music. But dude, when she started to make him listen to her favorite songs? That was where he drew the fucking line.

"Oh my _god_, Berry, I want to shoot myself in the face here, can you _please_ turn this shit off?"

She looked up from her textbook, her eyes wide with contempt. "Noah Puckerman, you take that back--"

He slammed his book shut and threw his head back. "What do you want me to say, Rach? You make me listen to this crap _every time I'm over_. Every time! I hate it so much it literally makes me wanna punch small children in the face. I can't even pass by the park on my way home anymore cause I'm scared of what I might do."

She shut off the music and put her ice queen face on.

"I should have guessed that someone with your taste in, well, _everything_, wouldn't appreciate the finer things in life." She was being huffy and he couldn't help but grin. Somewhere along the line, the things she did that used to make him want to smash things became endearing.

"Hold it right there," he stuffed his books into his bag and slung it over his shoulder. "Before you launch into your whole _Noah, you are so infantile!_ speech, lemme just say that you clearly need to be educated in the ways of the electric guitar."

"Oh wait, let me guess: I haven't lived until I've listened to Led Zeppelin stoned."

"Well, thats true, but actually not what I was gonna say." He leaned both hands on her desk so their faces were inches apart and his voice lowered an octave. If Rachel wasn't hopelessly devoted to Finn, the gesture might have made her stomach flip. "I was going to say that you, Rachel Berry, are coming over to my house tomorrow night and I'm gonna show you what you're missing."

"Ugh, someone put me out of my misery already!" She groaned melodramatically as she dropped her forehead onto the desk in grand Berry fashion. He rolled his eyes and mussed her hair. "Come at 7:30, I'm gonna stay late and lift."

When she came to his house the next day, Mrs. Puckerman was working a double shift so it was just him and his little sister. He didn't give her much of a chance to introduce herself, instead grabbing fistfuls of junk food on their way up to his room.

"Noah, I didn't know you had a sibling," she commented as he closed his door.

"Yeah, that's cause I'd rather forget." His mouth was full of some sort of deli meat that she was pretty sure he was starting to wash down with soda before he finished chewing. As he settled down, she took a look around his room and couldn't help but feel a jolt of nervous energy. It was less the idea of being alone with Puck that gave her the jitters, and more the fact that it was his _bedroom_. That she was sitting on his _bed_ and she could totally see a pair of his _boxers_ in a pile of laundry in the corner.

This was the first (straight) guy's room she had ever been in, and the thought in and of itself was pretty terrifying. Then considering their whole history and the fact that Rachel had to remind herself fairly often that they were polar opposite personalities and there was more to men than finely chiseled abs and the throaty way he had called her "babe"...It was becoming clear that her current situation was quickly spiraling out of her control.

That is, until the sound of a loud, Puck-toned belch promptly woke her from her reverie.

"Noah, you are such a heathen."

That night, she left his house with seven "fuckin' classic rock albums." She pretended like it was some huge chore waiting for him to finish choosing, but secretly, she liked the idea of expanding her horizons. Plus, he may have picked CDs from his shelves randomly, but the way he scribbled track numbers on Post-Its was undeniably adorable and very un-Puck.

Two days later, she texted him during third period (oh yeah, that was something they did now too: texting. No open acknowledgement of each other in the halls or basically anywhere other than Glee, but they texted each other pretty often. Say what? No joke.)

**Berry**** 11:37:29 AM:** Left something for you by your guitar in the Glee room. Pick it up immediately, they are some of my most prized possessions and if any are missing I will hold you personally accountable!!!!!!

**Berry****11:38:15 AM****:** Oh and I heard theres a big game on Friday. I may or may not be incredibly offended you never mentioned it. Good luck!!! :)

Before lunch, he swung by and picked up a small bag of CDs. A note was folded and tucked into the sleeve of the one on the top of the stack.

_Guns'n'Roses__ is abhorrent, Led Zeppelin wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, and I kind of like Kings of __Leon__. Havent had the chance to listen to the others yet. Jury's still out on whether I'm looking forward to it. Until then, its only fair that you do the same. I expect a full report on these when I see you next. Preferably double spaced, in 12 point Times New Roman font._

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So, to make a long story even longer, yes. That _was_ a Liza Minelli CD that just fell out of Pucks locker.

"Dude, chill out. Its just some more gay ass shit for Glee, okay?"

**TBC**

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	4. i'm a cuckoo

I don't know how this ended up so long! I kinda had to sacrifice Puck's inner monologue-ish third person narrator for this chapter because I had too much Rachel stuff going on and dialogue and I'm bad at multi-tasking :( But have no fear, it should be swinging back around next chapter. Thanks so much for all your continued support; hope you all enjoy this!

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**4.** _i'm a cuckoo_  
-belle & sebastian

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By the time the first snow of the year blanketed their town, Quinn was starting to show and Rachel had finally come to terms with the fact that there was absolutely no future to be had with Finn. Puck still hadn't manned up and told her the kid was his because, well, what was the use? Rachel was moving on and Quinn was still hell bent on never letting anyone find out the truth. To make matters worse, it had gotten to the point where she didn't even acknowledge his existence anymore. Yeah, they still hung in the same circles and had the same friends, but she chose to just...Pretend he wasn't there.

Instead of dwelling on it or getting pissed off, Puck dealt with his situation the way he knew best: fucking as many girls/women/cougars (really, anything with a vagina) as humanly possible. Well, that, and spending more time with Berry.

A combination of their increase in face time and his heightened sex sense was probably what made him realize that Rachel? Was really fucking horny. Like, more so than usual. She was maybe also a little sad (his feelings sense wasnt quite as finely tuned as the sex sense) but definitely really, really horny.

It was colder than a snowman's ass outside the night he finally decided to confront her about it. They had been sitting around with their books spread around them for an hour getting absolutely nothing done and he knew something was up. But he was too exhausted from practice, it was dark outside, and his room was freakishly cold, so he just wasn't in the mood to deal with it. Instead, he decided to lie on his bed and toss his basketball to himself as she sat at his desk, her chin in her hands. He was telling her about some chick who said she'd write his _Macbeth_ paper for him if he had sex with her (no brainer there) as Rachel stared longingly at a picture of Finn and him in their football uniforms with a bunch of teammates and cheerleaders.

"Yo, Berry. Were you listening to anything I just said?"

He raised his voice and startled her from her daze. She jumped slightly, turning in her chair. "Oh yeah, something about _Macbeth_? I love that play. One of Shakespeares best."

His eyes narrowed as he raised his chin and examined her closely. After a second, he sat up with a start and swung his legs over the side of the bed.

"Rach, we gotta get you laid."

"Um, _excuse me_? Noah, I recognize that your brain is hardwired to your penis--" SHE TOTALLY JUST SAID PENIS. WHY DID HE FIND THIS SO HILARIOUS? "But sex doesn't actually solve everyone's problems. In fact, more often than not it just makes things more complicated."

"And that, my friend, is what I call an untruthitude." He set his basketball down on his pillow and turned back to her. "Look, I'm just trying to help you out here. I don't know if you knew this, but I'm _very_ in tune with the female body. And yours is practically beating me to death with all its simmering horniness."

That was actually a bit of a stretch. It was less the female body he was in tune with, and rather...Just his dick.

"Please don't use that word, I find it grotesque." She paused for a second, looking anywhere but at him. _"However_. You make a valid point. Maybe I _am_ suffering from a bit of sexual frustration, but that makes me no less _appalled_ that you'd make a suggestion so lewd and utterly preposterous. You know I've taken a vow of celibacy in honor of Finn."

"Which is such bullshit."

"To someone like you, maybe, but to someone like me, it's highly symbolic." She took a deep breath and raised her chin. "It represents the high school struggle: love strangled by circumstance. The doomed fate of a future never to be; a future cut down brutally before it's time." She looked back at him, the sharp hint of diva in her voice, "I dont expect you to understand how fitting celibacy is."

Puck and Rachel had been friends for a while now, so most of her crappy ass, melodramatic monologues were old news. But this? This was a fucking riot. Ordinarily, hed keep his mouth shut and let her wallow in her heartache for a while, but this was too classic to pass up. He didn't even bother to stifle the laugh that came roaring out.

"Oh my god, how do you even exist? It's like youre some fucking alien trapped in a human body!" When he realized she was looking at him like she would literally tear his balls off and eat them for breakfast, he coughed and quickly shut up. "Listen, Rach. High school really isn't as hard as you make it. Now I know you dig Finn--" God, the whole world knew she dug Finn, "--and that being his friend and getting along just makes things worse, but you seriously gotta move on. I mean, you said it yourself: that he's having this baby and there's nothing anyone can do to change that." Well, there was something _someone_ could do...But that was another issue entirely. They were talking about Rachel, after all.

"So what exactly do you propose I do?"

"What I've been doing: go out there and get some ass!"

"Noah." Her voice became soft as she glanced down at her hands. "You know I don't approve of the way you choose to cope with your emotional stress." When she looked back up at him, he saw genuine, unguarded concern. Lately, that look made his stomach do funny things. (And a part of him couldn't help but wonder: if someone like Rachel -- who he treated like shit for so many years -- could care about him, why couldn't Quinn?)

"I know you don't, but just hear me out, okay" His voice was low now too, and he was pretty sure they were on the verge of having one of their serious conversations. "Sometimes these bullshit little booty calls are all we've got to stay sane. If you go into it knowing it won't last and just keep your distance, you'll always have the upper hand. You get your needs met and you never get dumped or abandoned because _you're_ the one doing the dumping. If you just tried it, you'd see how it's the perfect situation."

Hearing him say things like that never failed to remind her how they were such opposites. They just saw life through two fundamentally different lenses. Puck was all a-good-offense-makes-a-good-defense, and she was all it-doesn't-matter-who-wins-or-loses-its-how-you-play-the-game. (Wow, he really _was_ rubbing off on her.)

"You know, having meaningful relationships with people isn't such a bad thing." He glared at her skeptically. "I know you don't agree with my personal philosophy with respect to matters of the heart, but saving yourself for someone who actually cares about you -- who you could actually have a real relationship with..."

"Okay, Dr. Phil, I get it. Let's save the lecture for another night."

"I'm just saying..."

"Whatever, okay? This isn't about me anyway, it's about you and all your horny lady vibes."

"Why are you always so crass? I told you that word grosses me out!"

"What? It's the truth."

He was right.

"Well, even if I did take your advice and find myself a male companion, things aren't that simple. Other than Finn Hudson, there are a grand total of zero guys in our school that I find even remotely suitable."

"Berry, stop being a punk ass and admit it: it's not that there aren't any guys for you, it's that there aren't any guys who _want_ you."

And there it was. The moment shed been expecting from the day they started to be "friends." It was like he had just slapped her across the face. Hard.

"No! No, I didn't mean it like that," he said quickly, scooting forward on the edge of his bed as she instinctively backed away. He reached a hand out and placed it on her knee. "Come on, Rachel. You know that's not what I meant. Dude, you're fucking hot. Why else would I have tried to get in your pants to begin with?" Well, there was the fact that he tried to get in _everyones_ pants, but still.

"If you have a point, please get to it soon."

"I'm just saying, he took his hand off her knee and ran it through his hair. It's no wonder you don't have dudes knocking down your door...Youre kind of intense."

"For the record, you're doing a pretty bad job of being my friend right now." It was official, girls were impossible. "And whatever, I've just been focused on my music career, but if I decided I wanted to get a boyfriend, I totally could. Easily."

She was seriously on a roll tonight. He had to practically bite his tongue to keep from laughing.

"So, this will sound very douchey of me, but I'm just being real with you. No matter what you think, you are not a normal girl. You're _Rachel fucking Berry_, for god's sake! You sing in Glee club and get straight A's, you wear really short skirts with really high neck sweaters, and to top it off, you don't give a shit about what people think. You always always say what's on your mind, even if it means getting Slushee'd or eating lunch alone. And even then, when anyone else would cave, you just bring an extra set of clothes to school or your iPod to lunch and it's like nothing ever happened. Rachel, you are intimidating and _weird_. And you seriously freak dudes out."

"That's ridiculous. Any sane person would say those things are impressive for a girl my age."

"Maybe that's what your 45 year-old dads say, but that's not what people at school think."

Her hands were in her lap and she was staring at them contemplatively. It wasn't like this was news to her, but to actually hear someone say it to her face was difficult to digest. She didn't have to say anything though, because he knew exactly what she was thinking.

"Oh come on, stop looking like I just kicked your puppy. I'm not saying you have to change who you are. I'm just saying you have no game. But lucky for you," he stretched his arms above his head and cracked his knuckles because thats what manly men did, and Puck was most certainly the manliest of men. "You're sitting in the presence of game _royalty_. Hell, I _invented_ game. So don't sweat it, just follow these tips and I promise you'll have so many guys trying to get with you, you'll have to beat 'em away with a stick."

Taking any sort of advice from Puck seemed unwise, but a nagging voice inside of her really wanted to know the secret and actually believed he had it. She stood up and eyed him suspiciously before taking a seat next to him on his bed.

"Okay, first? You need to learn how to speak English."

"What? I have an impeccable grasp of the English language."

"See? That's what I mean. SPEAK ENGLISH PLEASE." She didn't even need to say it, the look on her face had _Noah, you are so infantile!_ written all over it. "Second: no talking about Glee. Or music. Or Broadway. Just stick to neutral stuff like your favorite thing off the Taco Bell Value Menu or _The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift_. Y'know, things dudes like." She scrunched her face up and stuck her tongue out; clearly not a fan of either. "And the last, most important lesson of all..." He reached over and flicked open the top three buttons of her cardigan. "Show a little bra and youre basically guaranteed entry into every guy at McKinley's pants. Even the popular ones."

Her jaw dropped and she pulled her sweater closed quickly before punching Puck in the arm.

"Ow! For such a puny girl, you punch like a man!"

"God, I don't know why I bother with you!"

When his laughter finally died down, he reached out and turned her chin towards him. "Hey." The softness of his tone and the lazy grin on his face was almost enough to make her forget all the douchey things he had done and said in the last half hour. "Maybe the sweater thing was a step too far, but all that other stuff is true."

"You mean all that stuff about me being too confident, opinionated and smart?"

"Basically."

"Just so I get it straight: you think the only way I can get a guy is by not being me?"

"_Exactly_."

She looked at him for a moment and he could have sworn there was some freaky ass, I-see-into-your-soul, Jedi mind trick shit going on. When she spoke again, she had that same concerned expression. "I'd take offense to that if you didn't think the same thing about yourself."

There definitely was some weird, psychic connection shit going on because he was pretty sure he never told her that, but it was totally true. He didn't get to where he was because of his sparkling personality or love of classic rock. If he learned anything from what happened with his dad, it was that hed _never_ let himself feel that way again. When you give people what they want, they're more likely to stick around. The second you let them in and show them who you really are, you give them more of a reason to hate you and bounce.

"Yeah, well." Now it was his turn to avoid her eyes.

"Did you ever think maybe thats why Quinn never gave you a chance? I'm pretty sure that if she knew the real you, she'd have a hard time turning you down."

See, that's the thing. He did show her. She was one of the only people in that whole goddamn high school hed been real with, and still he wasn't good enough. The night they got together, he may have made the first move because he was totally trashed and she was totally hot, but by the end, something clicked and he felt like he finally saw what he was missing. That all the sneaking glances at her when Finn wasn't paying attention wasnt just lust. He knew what they did that night was wrong, but he felt something he had never felt before, and when he told her that in the gym their first day back, all she did was laugh. She said a guy like him would never _ever_ have a chance with a girl like her while she was sober, even if he weren't her boyfriend's best friend. Turned out he wasnt good enough to raise his own kid even.

Which was _exactly_ why he wasnt ready to tell Rachel the truth about the baby yet. It was just a whole can of fucked up worms he couldn't handle. That, and also because, though he didnt quite know it yet, he was kinda maybe starting to think that he kinda maybe had feelings for Rachel.

"All I'm saying," he reached out and brushed her hair out of her face. A very un-Puck thing to do, but that had become a bit of a norm lately. "Is that you could have any dude you want, you just have to get over Finn and make a choice."

Okay, feelings were definitely there, but they were tiny. Kinda maybe.

---

So yeah, Rachel really did need to get laid. Having to see Finn everyday for an extra hour as he practiced his Justin Timberlake solo (you heard right: Finn Hudson. Singing _Justin Timberlake_.) certainly didn't make it any easier. As she laughed with him and danced with him and felt the steady warmth of his body by hers it became obvious that Puck wasn't so far off when he said she needed a guy.

The annoying thing though, was that she couldn't just go tell him that. If she were to flip flop so easily, she'd never hear the end of it. For a little while, a part of her considered adopting some of his tips, but if she showed up at school wearing a v-neck sweater and singing "Back That Thang Up" instead of Babs (she could never sacrifice music altogether for the sake of relieving pent up sexual tension) what she was doing would be so obvious.

So, as she was often forced to do in matters relating to school, she ignored her feelings entirely and buried herself in her music. Or at least tried to.

See, she always knew Puck was one of the hottest guys at McKinley, but now that her hormone levels were raging at unprecedented levels, she couldn't focus on anything else. She tried giving him two songs to play on his guitar for her when he came over, but they'd never get to the second because shed get so distracted by...Well, by _him_.

Since they generally met up right after his basketball practice, he was always at his prime level of hotness, with a baggy pair of sweats slung low on his hips (oh those hips!) and a tight tee that was snug in all the right places. Finally, he let his ridiculous mohawk grow out and now he had brown, vaguely wavy (albeit short) hair on the sides of his head and this deliriously wonderful little peak down the middle, so every time she saw him, all she wanted to do was run her hands through it. She also never noticed it before, but he even _smelled_ fantastic. It was this combination of soap, Tag, and sweaty boy, which may not sound particularly enticing, but hello! Hormonal teenager!

After a few days of daydreaming things that made seeing Puck in person really uncomfortable, she realized she needed to end the madness and come up with a real way of getting over it. Which is why she told him to come over earlier than usual.

"Okay, so get whatever it is you have to tell me out of the way now because I have a lot of questions about what we did in Geometry today." He was pulling his sweatshirt over his head, which meant Rachel got a good five seconds of straight up abs.

"So Noah, I've been thinking..."

"Oh man, not thinking."

"--I've been thinking about what you said last time. About me needing a_...physical outlet_ of sorts."

"Oh yeah? Who's the special dude?"

"See, that's why I wanted to talk to you."

Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Was she going to say what he thought she was going to say?

He immediately stopped rifling through his backpack and focused his attention on her like a laser.

"First of all, I'd just like to make it clear that even though I have no future with him, I am still very much in love with Finn. And despite the fact that we dont even say hello to each other in the hall at school, I really do value the friendship you and I have."

Puck rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's hold off on the warm and fuzzies and just come out with it, Berry."

"Well, I already know that you are quite proficient in the kissing arena, and since we are both _obviously_ in love with other people, we wouldn't have to worry about our feelings getting in the way, so I was thinking maybe you and I could..."

Was this a dream? Because he was pretty sure hes had a recurring series of dreams just like this, except Rachel was generally wearing black lace lingerie. No, this had to be real.

"--I mean, who says friends with benefits can't work? I think its a very rational, level-headed approach to our situation, actually. It could be our little reward after a long night of homework. Another little incentive of sorts."

The tiny part of him that had yet to accept that he kinda maybe totally had a thing for this girl told him this was a really bad idea. Lucky for him, the fairly substantial part of him that lived below the waist was what made all his decisions.

"--And I mean, I'm not abandoning my values at all because it's not like youre just some Joe Schmoe from school; were _friends_ and if I had to do this with anyone, I'd rather do it with someone I know and trust--" she was a rambling, bumbling mass of nerves, and in two quick strides, he was _right there_, "--and this is just so convenient given you and I already hang out so much and youre so--"

As he pressed his lips firmly against hers, he knew this was a bad idea, but didnt really give a fuck.

**TBC**

---


	5. oh, sister

Title stolen from the classic Bob Dylan tune, as performed by one of my absolute favorite people. This chapter took quite a turn for the angsty? Somewhat unexpectedly because I was definitely planning on milking some of the light-hearted fun for a little longer, but oh well. Will try to be a bit more balanced in the following chapters! (Oh man, be pumped, shits totally going downnnn.)

---

**5.** _oh sister_  
-andrew bird

---

So, basically, they didn't actually have sex. Did you really think Rachel would give her virginity up to someone who she wasn't head over heels in love with? Not likely.

At first, she set out some ground rules. He generally hated being told what to do (surprise, surprise) but he saw them less as rules and more as tests in his lifelong pursuit of pussy. Plus, he knew it wouldn't take long for her undersexed self to change her mind; maybe a week, max? So yeah, he totally agreed: they wouldn't mess around until they finished all their work for the night, nothing past second base (he was pretty sure he could push this to third, but straight up sex was a definitely non-negotiable), and nothing before big Glee performances, tests or games. She also made it perfectly clear that no one could know about this; some shit about a girls reputation being a big deal or something. He didn't really care about people finding out about them any more, but the secrecy of it all was kind of nice. He'd never been with a girl without the whole school knowing and talking, but this? Whatever it was, it was just between him and her, and he liked that.

About a week in, it was a Tuesday night and they had a Geometry test the next day. They should have known that rule would be the first to go when they decided to review the chapter on his bed. She was lying on her stomach, reading aloud from the open textbook she had propped against his pillow. She put a good twelve inches of space between them so they "wouldn't get distracted," but he stopped paying attention the second they were both lying _on his fucking bed_. Instead, he rolled on his side and faced her, his eyes glued to her lips. He knew she had good lips from their first go round, but damn. She _seriously _had good lips.

"So then we'd have to use the Pythagorean Theorem to solve for--" He reached his leg over and nudged her. She didn't skip a beat, but a smile crept on her face and he knew this would be easy, "--to solve for the length of this side. Once we have _that_--" He reached a hand out this time, let it rest on the small of her back and started rubbing. Feigning seriousness, she turned to glare at him.

"Don't you dare think you're gonna charm your way out of this review, mister. Tomorrow's a big deal, and if you think I'm gonna let you get away with just listening to me read this stuff without doing some problems yourself, you've got another thing coming."

"Yes, ma'am."

As she turned back towards the book and continued to review the material, his hand crept up under her shirt. As skin met skin, he inched a little closer, and soon his hand was drifting farther north and the gap between them had somehow closed.

"And then...We just...Have to..." His lips were on her neck and she could feel him smiling as the pauses between her thoughts became more pronounced. "Okay, fine!" He lifted his head triumphantly and watched her swiftly shut her book and drop it off the side of the bed. "Maybe it would be wiser to let off a little steam before we really get started."

---

Seriously though, if he had to rank those first two weeks on a scale of awesome to most awesome, they would definitely be most awesome. Neither of their parents cared that they were spending so much time together, either convinced that they were so different from each other that this could never really turn into something they'd have to have a sex talk over (yeah, Puck's mom was really, _really _out of touch with reality when it came to teenage boys; plus, she worked all the time) or they were just so happy that their kid had such a good friend who was so committed to succeeding in the music industry and getting good grades that they didn't care how much time they spent together (really though, it was just that Rachel's dads trusted her so unquestioningly; it actually made her feel a little bad sometimes). So what they had was basically parent-sanctioned weekday hook-up time. AKA _awesome_.

It was a dude's dream, truly. Puck was so preoccupied getting lost in her (god, that dip between her shoulder blades was basically the highlight of his life) and trying to convince her that giving him a blow job really would be a win-win situation all around (she eventually agreed, but only when he offered to reciprocate the gesture, if you will) that he was too busy to think about all the obvious reasons why what they were doing was such a mistake. Which was the way he liked it; thinking about potential shitstorms he was getting himself into was such a buzzkill.

And she had to admit, to say he was adept at kissing would be an understatement. His lips (and tongue, and hands...) were actually quite skilled in a number of disciplines. She didn't even mind that she didn't love him because the things he did made her knees weak, and in the best possible way. In fact, she had come to the conclusion that this might actually be the most excellent idea she had ever had.

The most incredible thing of all had to be the fact that she was totally right: their friendship didn't change one bit. Sure, she got less vocal work in and his math grade started slipping again (which he was perfectly fine with; he missed his three hour naps at the nurse's station in the middle of the day anyway) but other than that, they were still them. He still thought she was a psycho freak and made no point of hiding it, and she still very much disapproved of 98% of what he chose to be. But somehow, they just fit. They laughed at each other's jokes and talked about shit that he certainly had never told another living soul, and that she had always wanted to share, but never had someone to share it with.

She even started talking about Finn less and he started thinking about Quinn less, but that didn't make it any less of a feature of what they had. Puck knew that's what brought them together and that this was all just one big fucked up, mixed bag of shit. But dude, it was _their shit._ It didnt matter if he was definitely starting to see her as more than what she saw him as; it was still their thing.

One night after Glee, he came over to her place and she practically mauled him the second he stepped in her bedroom. Usually he was the one who made the first move during their nightly study-trysts, but occasionally there were days when she and Finn had to sing a particularly moving (read: barf-inducing) power ballad that revved up her hormonal engines real good, but this wasn't one of those nights. If Puck was the kind of guy who asked questions, he would have realized it was because Finn was at a doctor's appointment with Quinn, and what he was having with Rachel could have very well fallen under the category of sad and desperate not-sex. Lucky for the both of them, he was less of a questions guy and more, well, _action_-oriented.

Not too long after he arrived, he had his thigh nestled firmly between her legs and she had her arms thrown around his waist when he started thinking (_really _thinking) about what they were doing. Her eyes were closed and he was pretty sure she was imagining Finn in his place when her hands found their way under his shirt and she began drawing lazy circles on his back. As he watched her eyelids flutter, his chest swelled with that unfamiliar ache of having everything he wanted and still not feeling satisfied. Surprising even himself, his first thought wasnt how much he wanted this with Quinn, but rather that her douchebaggery may actually have been a blessing in disguise.

"You know, I'm not naive enough to cling to some childish dream of happily ever after with Finn, but..." her eyes opened and she looked at him with such despair. "Does it ever stop feeling this awful?"

He framed her face in his hands and traced her cheekbones with the pads of his thumbs. "You know...It doesn't really."

She laughed sadly to herself and looked downward. He knew that wasn't the answer she wanted, but it was the truth, and lately he felt like she at least deserved the truth.

"But!" He slapped on his trademark Puck grin and let his hands fall to her hips, "I'm a pretty fucked up dude with a bunch of fake ass friends who probably don't give two shits about what I feel. You, on the other hand," she rolled her eyes but couldn't help smiling as he shifted in bed and pulled her on top of him.

"You know, Noah, I'm starting to think you're an even bigger drama queen than Mercedes."

Her hair was falling over her face and he reached up and placed it back behind her ears, leaving his hands there. "But _you_, on the other hand," he raised his voice, "you're a crazy, wacko, yet slightly normal chick with a whole flock of Glee losers who would totally take a bullet for you. I'm pretty sure you've got nothing to worry about."

She pushed herself up from his chest, unknowingly giving him a straight shot view down her shirt.

"You do realize that you're one of those Glee losers, right?"

He quickly looked up from her rack to her teasing grin. "Did I ever say I wasn't?"

With that, she laughed and covered his lips with her own.

---

Puck knew he was getting in way over his head when he started to dream about her.

The first really serious one came after that night, when he had this one about her that was simultaneously amazing and really fucked up. It was like any other time they saw each other, except all she was wearing was his basketball jersey and a pair of his boxers. He was lying on his back, his fingers laced together behind his head, and she was sharing his pillow, so their faces were close. She had thrown her leg haphazardly over his and her arm across his abdomen, and she was playing with the drawstring on his pajama bottoms. He didn't remember what they were talking about, but at one point she laughed and he looked at her blinding smile and thought he was one lucky bastard; not just to be with her, but to be fucking _alive_. He looked at her and she just pursed her lips and blinked tiredly. _I know, Noah, _she had said before resting her forehead on his. He remembered closing his eyes then, and her hand tracing down his arm. She took his hand and pulled it under her shirt, resting it on her belly. _Can you feel it? _She whispered. He grinned, opened his eyes and pulled her flush against him. _Yeah, I do. _

Pretty fucked up, right?

---

**(****10:13:24 AM****): **yo mama p's pulling the night shift and the pipsqueaks got a sleepover 2nite. come over!!!

**Berry**** (****10:15:08 AM****): **First of all, hardcore SAT vocab points for pipsqueak!!! Second of all, I'm sure you sister would NOT have appreciated that. I find your innuendo slightly unsettling, but earlier should work. See ya at Glee.

**(****10:16:49 AM****): **shut up, u totally wanna have a million of my innuendos babies. admit it!!!!!!

**Berry**** (****10:17:04 AM****): **Ugh, you're so immature.

**(****10:18:38 AM****): **its ok 99% of girls here also think im supa fly...ur not alone

**Berry**** (****10:19:19 AM****): **Stop texting in class!!!!!

That afternoon, he skipped practice and she called her dads and told them she was going to Sally Griffith's house after school to work on their biology project and wouldn't be home until late. She worked as he listened to Kings of Leon (they were the only band of his that stuck for her, but she was trying to give some others a chance), they fooled around some, then ordered pizza and watched American Idol. She never once mentioned Finn.

As she arched her back and tugged his shirt over his head she whispered Puck's name and he knew whatever fucked up shit was going on between them had suddenly become real. He stared down at her, all dark waves and longing eyes with those small hands pressed firmly against his chest, and for a second there he almost told her. He almost said, "Holy shit, Rachel, Quinn's pregnant with my baby and I think I'm fucking falling for you." He almost said it, but she was so small and all he could think of was his dad leaving and all the reasons why you don't tell people how you really feel.

So he didn't say anything, and instead they peeled each others clothes off, their fingers slick with sweat, like they'd done it a million times before. She wrapped her legs around his waist and he lost himself in her skin, his face burrowed first in her neck and in her chest. He ran his hand up and down her smooth thigh, wanting to tell her so badly that this wasnt just some fake ass physical release; that this is fucking _real_. But a part of him knew he didn't have to; he was so sure she could feel it. The change in the air and the change in their bodies.

He had already thrown himself off the cliff and she was close behind when she flung an arm over her eyes, then quickly pulled his face up to hers with both hands.

"Noah." They were both breathing heavily and she was looking at him like...Like..."This is getting too-- I think we need to--"

He stared into her eyes, and there was something there, he just wasn't sure what it was.

"Slow down." He finished her thought and she looked pained.

"No, I think we need some time apart."

While his dick would certainly beg to differ, his brain very much agreed. And for once, his brain actually won out.

**TBC**

---


	6. when the levee breaks

You guys you guys you guys new Glee tonightttttttttttttt. I am so excited, CAN YOU GUYS TELL I'M SO EXCITED? Anyway, in honor, I bring you...More angst? Forgive me!

---

**6.** _when__ the levee breaks_  
-led zeppelin

---

Puck was really out of it. And it wasn't one of those "dude's not partying, shit must've gone down" situations; it was more serious than that. It was like he wasn't even Puck anymore. He stopped beating up freshmen and stuffing them into trashcans, he stopped sitting at the popular table at lunch...Hell, he stopped _going_ to lunch altogether. He even stopped having sex with random chicks, so you know things were fucking serious. Instead, he traded all that in for going to class and actually doing his homework. Yes, Noah Puckerman: _going to class_. The homework bit was slightly less shocking, since his definition of "doing homework" was having his books by him as he watched SportsCenter, but still.

He didn't have much of a choice though; it wasn't like he could go from not caring about school to...Caring even less. So in it's own twisted way, this kind of made sense. Plus, without Berry around to take his mind off his own shit, he needed some sort of distraction. Preferably one that didn't involve his friends (who reminded him too much of Quinn) or sex (which reminded him too much of Rachel).

Don't get the wrong idea; this wasn't some fruity lovesick puppy thing, Puck was still a badass. Sure he was bummed out, but it was less about not having Rachel around (or so he told himself) and more the fact that he let things go that far at all. Once she found out about his baby daddy drama, he was pretty sure their whole fucked up "friendship" would be over for good. It was stupid to have led himself on for so long when he knew it would inevitably end, and end badly at that.

In fact, the more he thought about it, the more he realized there was a serious chance Rachel wouldnt actually forgive him for this. He'd never pretend to understand how girls' brains worked, but he hung out with Rachel long enough to know what she saw as betrayal...And it was basically anything that had to do with Quinn Fabray. Rachel wasn't particularly catty, she just didn't understand what that girl had that she didn't and the fact that Finn chose Quinn over her -- baby or no baby -- was a pretty tough pill to swallow. So he was sure of it: if finding out that Quinn was having Finn's kid broke her, finding out that baby was actually his would fucking destroy her. She may not have admitted it to herself yet, but a tiny part of her was totally starting to dig Puck. Hell, he was the only guy who knew who she was, inside and out; the only guy who mocked her mercilessly about everything and yet still liked her. To find out that she was second string to Quinn _yet again_, but this time with something so fucking close to being real...?

See, this was why he needed a distraction. Thinking about all this shit just gave him a headache.

Rachel, on the other hand, was handling their situation quite differently. Namely, by starting each morning telling herself that it totally wasn't Noah doing dirty things to her in her dreams, it was definitely, beyond the shadow of a doubt, Finn. No, no, that wasnt a mohawk/fauxhawk she saw or Pucks slightly beefy neck, it was most certainly a full head of hair and a freakishly tall build. There was no way Noah liked her like that anyway. He just agreed to go along with her stupid plan because, well, he's Noah. And even if, by some freak chance, he actually did feel that way? It was his problem, not hers. Finn was the one she yearned for, and she made that clear from the start. Yes, Finn: the nice guy. The guy who held doors open for old ladies and actually cared about people's feelings. Finn, whose soaring vocals gave her butterflies; the Ross to her Rachel...The one who she knew, deep down inside, loved her as much as she loved him.

...Yes, the same Finn who totally took advantage of her feelings to get her back on Glee for his own selfish reasons.

Okay, so maybe she didn't _really_ love Finn -- at least, not as much as she loved the idea of him -- but when you tell yourself something enough, you actually start believing it. So...She loved Finn. She loved Finn. _She loved Finn._

---

There were a couple of minutes before class would start and Rachel was sitting at her desk staring off into space when Puck walked in. It had been a little over a week since she had seen him last (outside of Glee, of course, but that didn't count because she was always in her Glee Zone) so running into him was surprising in and of itself. The fact that it happened during English class? Downright shocking.

"Yo Rach, what's up?" He took a seat next to her and she gaped.

"Noah...Are you feeling alright?" She leaned over her desk and whispered to him, looking around to see if anyone was paying attention. They weren't.

"I'm fine, why?"

"Well, for starters, you're talking to me in public, you're not wearing your letter jacket and, oh yeah, you just stepped into an _English class_--" When he reached into his backpack, she gasped. "--and you brought _a book_."

"Yeah, I don't get why this Shakespeare dude cant just talk like a normal person, but shit's pretty deep."

"No, wait, you _read_ too?"

"Yeah, I decided to mix things up a little." The look on her face was classic. "Rachel, chill out. You look constipated."

"Noah, I don't know _what_ is going on with you but there is obviously something _seriously wrong_ and you are going to tell me what it is because last I checked, you haven't attended an English class...well, _ever_, and Im pretty sure you still read at a fifth grade level."

"Dude, that's just cold."

Her jaw dropped as the bell rang and class started.

---

It wasn't that they werent on speaking terms, because they were. She just needed to keep her physical distance because unless he gained thirty pounds and grew a few unsightly hairy facial moles, she was pretty sure her plus him plus either of their houses/bedrooms/private areas of any sort would result in unwise decisions. Unwise decisions that would certainly complicate her already tenuous relationships. But yes, Rachel was definitely still talking to him, but only through text really (which counted because her texts were longer than most of his actual conversations) and that made him feel simultaneously less pathetic and infinitely more.

Even if it was mostly through text, it didn't take long for her to realize that whatever he was going through had shook him up real bad. This whole him being out of touch with everything and going to class and reading books and coming to Glee on time and _talking to Rachel in the hall_...It was all just very unsettling. (Interestingly, though, the thought never once crossed her mind that maybe she was the one who fucked him up. She didn't let it.)

Determined to get to the bottom of whatever was going on, she went to his basketball game that afternoon. She sat in the middle of the bleachers, training her eyes on Finn (she loved _Finn_, she loved _Finn_) but somehow they always ended up in the corner of the court where Puck was. He knew she was there, sitting in the crowd with her brown cardigan sweater with those little pearl buttons and a skirt that was literally the size of his thumb, but every time he let his guard down and looked for her, he caught her staring longingly at Finn, who had his eyes glued to Quinn, who had her hand on her growing belly...

Fuck, his life.

---

They lost the game so people cleared out pretty quick. He took an extra long shower in the empty locker room, hoping that the steaming water would somehow help him come up with a way to make things right. He knew he had to tell Finn. He knew a long time ago he had to tell Finn, but now he was certain. He just didn't know how or when, or what Quinn would do, or worst of all, how Rachel would react. He wanted to believe that she'd be there for him despite everything, but he knew that when given a choice, girls generally chose Finn over him. Finn was the nice guy. He held doors open for old ladies and actually gave a crap about people's feelings. Puck shat on people's feelings and fucked old ladies. Not exactly boyfriend material. Chalk knocking up his best friend's girl to the list, and he was basically destined to live out the repercussions of his douchiness sad and alone.

If this were any other situation, he probably would have sucked it up and moved on, but the fact that there was a kid _-- his_ kid -- in the mix...It made things more complicated. He didn't love Quinn or actually want to be with her (if he realized anything the past few months, it was that Quinn was basically a giant bitch) but that kid...Puck was determined to not abandon him like his dad did. He'd give up his friendship with Finn and whatever future he may or may not have with Rachel just to be there for that kid. And if Quinn was doing this because she thought he'd make a shitty father then that just wasnt fucking fair. If he was just given one chance to prove himself, he could. He knew he could.

When he finally got dressed and left, the parking lot was empty, except for Rachel who was standing by his truck in her puffy winter coat, her hat pulled low and gloved hands covering her face.

"Jesus, how long have you been waiting out here, Rach? It's like twenty degrees out!" He jogged to the car and let her in before clamoring into the front and turning the heat on.

"Oh, n-n-not t-t-too l-long..." her teeth were chattering so he pulled his jacket off and threw it over her like a blanket.

"I knew you were crazy, Berry, but this is just ridiculous."

After a few moments, she was still shivering, but warming up quickly. "I didn't know if anyone was still around and going into the gym would send all kinds of warning bells to people, and..." She took a deep breath and shrugged her shoulders, her voice going soft, "I just wanted to talk to you."

Seriously, that voice would be the death of him. It was so much easier to not give two shits about the girl when she was being loud and bossy, but this? This was the whole reason he got mixed up in this shit to begin with.

"I know things have been a little weird since we--"

"What? Weird? No, were cool," he purposefully avoided her eyes because he knew they werent cool but his uncanny gift for lying had been failing him lately when it came to her.

"No, yeah, I know..." She looked down at her hands and shook her head. "Its just...you've been so not you lately and at Glee yesterday I saw you during Quinn's solo and you looked...I don't know, we just haven't seen each other in a while and I thought you could use a friend.

It took a second for her words to actually sink in; he wasn't used to girls like Rachel, wanting to be there for him and shit. Or really anyone other than his mom wanting to be there for him. This was uncharted territory. (Oh my god, when did he become such a woman?)

He rested his head on the steering wheel, the air from the vents quickly warming his face. When he peered over at her, she tilted her head and smiled sadly.

"I know, Noah," she placed a hand on his cheek and the strongest feeling of deja vu overwhelmed him. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply. "I know."

She didn't -- not at all -- but she was there and she was Rachel fucking Berry. So when she offered to treat him to a hot chocolate, he didn't say no.

---

That night, they drove to the park and drank their steaming cups quietly in his car before he finally got the balls to start talking. He told her about the first time he met Finn; the prank they pulled on the Rabbi's daughter at Puck's Bar Mitzvah in middle school; the summer before high school they spent washing cars and playing PS2; how they both made the varsity football team freshman year. She listened, and immediately felt awful for babbling on and on to him about a boy that, she now realized, she didn't really know that well at all; the same boy who had been Noah's best friend for years, whose feelings he genuinely didnt want to hurt and whose friendship he genuinely cared about. She had to admit, a part of her reveled in it: always having this cute boy be audience to the show that was her life, but now she realized how selfish that was.

"I get that this is the kinda shit dudes dont get over," she didnt know what exactly the shit he spoke of was, but she assumed it was falling in love with his best friend's girlfriend. She assumed but she didn't ask, and though she felt that sharp pang in her chest (Disappointment? Jealousy? Heartbreak?) she chose to ignore it. "But it would just suck if this is how it ends, you know? I always thought it would be because hed go to college and I'd go to New York and start a band or some shit, but having it all end over a girl? That's so lame."

She thought for a second before finally speaking up. "Well, Noah, you know what I think?"

"No, but I'm sure youll tell me." She rolled her eyes and placed her hot chocolate in the cup holder between them.

"I think maybe this is a blessing in disguise."

"Huh?"

"Clearly, having Finn as a friend is something that's important to you," she chose her words wisely; anything involving valuing friendships or being there for each other would surely be deemed "gay" by him and thus disregarded immediately. "So here's your chance to find out if he's really the friend you think he is. If he takes it well, then you know your whole 'bros before hoes' theory stands, but if not...Maybe hes not even worth it."

She couldn't believe she was saying this about Finn Hudson, of all people. But then again, if you told her four months ago that shed be sitting in Noah Puckerman's truck talking about friendship and love and desperately not letting herself admit that she _actually had feelings for him_ she would have laughed in your face and called you crazy.

"I really think you should talk to him, Noah. I have a good feeling about this."

---

The next day, he told Finn to wait up after practice; that he needed to tell him something. He met him at his car and the student lot was still pretty full for so late in the evening. He told him everything: not just about that night and that Quinn's baby was actually his, but even all that crap about their friendship.

And the last thing Puck thought before Finns fist connected with his face was that he would never take advice from Rachel again.

**TBC**

**---**


	7. she's all i've got left

So, this is angst with a side of angst with a slice of angst pie for dessert. When Im done with this, I'll seriously need to write some fluff or something, because this is getting out of control. I hope I was still able to stay true to the characters and didn't succumb to melodrama...One of the scenes is kind of a cliche, but I like it so whatever. Oh and I know it's supposed to be December in this, but sometimes there are gross rainy 40 degree days in the middle of winter, right? Or at least we can pretend there are.

In other news: this weeks episode??!?!?!?!?!?! Apparently I ship Puck with anything that breathes. HOW FANTASTIC WAS HE? His love of dip is hilarious. And good lord, his whole monologue to Quinn at the end. Thats basically all Ive ever wanted him to be. I HAVE TOO MUCH LOVE FOR HIM. TOO, TOO MUCH.

**brief authors note:** Everything I include in my stories are simply for the sake of plot progression and are not mentioned for any underlying purpose, agenda, or commentary, nor do the characters choices or actions reflect the author's views (unless they include Rachel and Puck totally bonin').

---

**7.** _she's__ all i've got left_  
-ezra furman & the harpoons

When Puck walked through the steel double doors of McKinley the next morning, an uncharacteristic hush fell over the normally bustling hallways. People moved to the sides as he came through, making his entrance more of a walk of shame than his usual I'm Too Sexy strut. Usually, sporting a black eye, a busted lip, and some pretty legit bruises would be a sign of badassery to the world, but today people were whispering, and not out of fear or quiet reverence. They were whispering because they knew who did this to him.

He pretended not to listen or care, but as he plowed through he was glad to notice that they were definitely only saying shit about Finn and him. Which meant Finn hadn't told anyone about the kid, and Quinn-- well, he didn't know what it meant for Quinn because she wouldn't answer his fucking calls.

When he turned the corner, he saw Rachel standing by her locker with Mercedes and Kurt, and her jaw dropped. She definitely wasn't expecting Finn to take things _that_ badly. And if he did, why didn't Noah text her or call her afterwards? Almost as soon as their eyes met, Puck pursed his lips, put his head down and kept walking.

"Did you guys hear what happened? Kurt was in full gossip mode. "Finn and Puck had an all out _fist fight_ in the parking lot after school yesterday. No one knows what it was about, but my money's on Quinn. Have you _seen_ the way he looks at her in Glee? I wouldn't be surprised if the baby was actually his."

"Boy, you just love drama, dont you?" As Mercedes' laugh grew, it hit Rachel. How could she have been so stupid? All the vague, ambiguous references to Quinn, their whole conversation about Finn cutting him off for good...It wasn't because he was in love with Quinn, it was because _she was having his baby_. "What are you on? Quinn Fabray would never hook up with Puckerman, they are like, complete opposites."

As Mercedes launched into all the reasons why Kurt's theory was bogus, Rachel excused herself and headed in the direction Puck had left. Maybe she was wrong (god, she hoped she was wrong) and it really wasn't as it seemed; maybe Finn was really just upset that Puck was trying to make a move on his pregnant girlfriend. Finn beating Puck to a pulp over that wasn't completely out of the realm of possibility. (Except for the fact that it definitely was. Puck was the one who beat people up unquestioningly. For Finn to tear you apart, you had to have done something really, really awful.)

She scanned the halls, but there was no sign of him. He couldn't have gone far, so she popped her head into classrooms, storage closets, the boys bathroom (scaring off a couple baby-faced freshmen in the process) but nothing. When the warning bell rang for first period, Puck was still no where to be found, and though she knew she should start making her way to Bio, her mind was racing. Why would Noah not tell her about this? They had gotten so close in the past couple months and it's not like Quinn's baby never came up. In fact, it came up a lot. Like, _a lot_ a lot. If he had told her he was the father earlier, things would be so different now. She probably would have convinced him to tell Finn, who would have broken up with Quinn and naturally asked her to be his girlfriend. Two months ago she would have been thrilled to learn the news; back when Noah was Puck and nothing more than the guy who was really mean to her until he realized she had boobs under her sweaters.

Now, things were different. She brought herself down to reality (mostly with his help) and realized that she had to move on. Not to other guys necessarily, but just to stop thinking she actually had a chance with Finn. She realized she needed to _psychologically_ move on. Somewhere along the line, though, psychologically moving on got mixed up with physically moving on, and despite the fact that Noah Puckerman was uncouth and vulgar and a giant doofus, inside he was a sweet guy and the closest friend she thought she ever had (or was he the only friend she ever had? She wasn't sure).

Deep down, she knew this wasn't about her -- it was about Noah and the fact that he wasnt such a jerk when it came to things that actually mattered -- but it really kind of _was_ about her. If he had just _told her_...She could be with Finn right now and not crying over the fact that the first boy she'd ever really, deeply cared about was having a baby with Quinn. If she thought finding out about that baby was hard the first time, it was nothing compared to what she was feeling now.

She blinked the tears away -- she wouldn't let herself cry over something that never was, no -- and the bell rang. Class was out of the question at this point; not while she was feeling like this. So instead, she went to the only place that ever made her feel better.

---

When she closed the door of the music room behind her, she heard a chair squeak and quickly turned around.

_Of course_, she thought when she saw Noah sitting in the corner, his guitar slung over his shoulder.

Just seeing him made her want to cry, but the thought of giving into those feelings was far too cliche: good girl falls for bad boy, gets heart broken. No, Rachel would not let herself be another cliche, but it didn't change the fact that it still hurt to see him. So she put on a good face and decided to play dumb. She'd see if he was really worth all the heartache: if he would actually tell her the truth.

"Noah, I've been looking for you everywhere," she rushed over and sat beside him, yanking his chin towards her and examining his face. "What did Finn do to you?"

"Rachel..." he pulled away from her touch and got up, putting the guitar away.

"What did you tell him?"

He took a deep breath and stood in front of her. He didnt need to say anything, she knew he was going to tell her. (Even more of a reason why this whole situation broke her heart.)

"I told him that Quinn's baby's not his, its mine." His hands were on his hips and she could tell he had practiced this a few times. Her act felt silly now with him being so earnest, so she looked down at her hands and closed her eyes.

"I know. I put the pieces together this morning."

He dropped himself into the chair beside her, his head in his hands. "Does anyone else know?"

"No one knows anything for sure...But people are theorizing, and yes, you being the father is one idea that's floating around."

He sat like that for a while, and she just watched him, waiting. When it was clear that he was not going to be the first one to make a move, she finally spoke up.

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

He lifted his head, resting his chin on his hands. She'd never seen him look this serious, this distraught. When he opened his mouth, he couldn't seem to find the words and his eyes looked anywhere but at her.

So she grabbed his chin again and yanked it down so they were eye to eye.

"_Noah_."

He took another deep breath and she could feel his knee touching hers. "I...Don't know. I wanted to-- I wanted to since the beginning, but I just...Couldn't. I wasn't allowed to tell anyone, but I was pretty sure I was still gonna tell you."

"Not allowed?"

"Yeah, apparently the idea of me being her baby daddy was so awful she didn't want anyone to know."

"Wait, _she told you not to tell anyone_?"

He talked about it all with her: not just about that night with the wine coolers and Quinn saying she'd take the truth to the grave, but also that day at the gym when he told her he really liked her and how it felt when she called him a Lima Loser. How badly he didn't want to be a deadbeat like his dad, how badly he wanted to prove everyone wrong, and how much it sucked to lie to Finn (which was a huge thing to admit given so much of who Puck was revolved around his aptitude for not telling the truth).

"And then when you and I started hanging out..." He looked up at her, and _oh my god was he the one who made her look so fucking sad?_ He had made his fair share of girls cry in his day, but that look on her face it was worse than any of that. "When you and I started hanging out, things were different. I didn't drive myself crazy thinking about Quinn and what a shitty situation I was in. And I knew--" He paused, and looked down, not able to keep her gaze, "--and I knew the second I told you, things would be different. You'd bounce and it would just be me again, and all my shit."

"Noah, you have no idea how I would have reacted."

"Really, Rachel? _Really_?" He raised his eyebrows and looked at her suspiciously.

"Yeah, _really_."

"Whatever, you can say that now but I know how things are. Sometimes you just gotta keep stuff to yourself to keep people around. The second you start telling the truth, they run for the hills. And I know you, you would have totally ran to Finn's hills."

If there was one thing she hated most, it was people assuming things about her. Especially when it was people who should have known her better. So, naturally, that's when she got _really_ pissed.

"No, Noah, you don't keep stuff from actual friends or lie to them. You can lie to your stupid fake jock friends or those brainless Cheerios, but you don't lie to the people who are real; who actually matter."

"You know what, I didn't tell you to get one of your fucking lectures, okay?"

"No, its not okay. I don't understand why you don't trust me. I've told you things that I've never told _anyone else_. I _trusted_ you. And I thought you actually cared, but apparently not enough to tell me that you are having a _baby_."

See, in Puck's head, everything Rachel said right then translated directly to a bright red ENGINE FAILURE light on the dashboard of their friendship. The end was near, and though he probably knew better -- that if he could handle this in the right way, things might actually be okay eventually -- he reverted to what he knew best.

"Who do you think you are, my fucking girlfriend? What, am I supposed to tell you everything thats going on in my life? If you knew me so well you'd know that people don't fucking like me, okay? I do what I have to do to keep people around, and yeah, sometimes that means lying or keeping shit to yourself. But I dont expect you to know anything about having friends. Hell, I'm the only friend you even have."

The second the words came out, he knew he couldn't take them back. He could feel the sting as they hung in the air between them, and Rachel looked down.

"You're right," her voice was soft but grew stronger as she looked up at him, "but you know what? I'd rather be a loser and alone than be friends with a heartless jerk like you." She stood up and headed out without even looking at him. "So say bye to the only person who ever gave two shits about you at this school."

When the door closed behind her, he stood up and kicked his chair over. This was perfect. Just fucking perfect.

---

After that, Puck went back to skipping classes, fucking anything that breathed, and getting drunk after practice. Finn and Rachel started hanging out together -- in Glee and out -- and whenever he saw them talking by each others lockers or sitting next to each other in rehersal, he'd ignore them. He started getting into fights with pretty much anyone, and he beat random freshmen up so much they'd all scatter whenever he came through the hall. Suffice it to say, he was pissed _all the fucking time_.

He knew this was his fault. He knew that Rachel came to him that day because she cared and he knew that he was such a turd to her because they were crashing and burning and his natural his self defense mechanism was to lash out. To hurt others before they got the chance to hurt him. It was all he knew.

When Mr. Shue gave him the lead in the Stones' "Satisfaction" that week, he almost laughed. Almost.

---

When a week went by and Quinn still hadn't been to school, Puck started worrying. So on Friday after his game (they lost _again_...apparently he had that effect on things) he went to her house. It was raining pretty hard out when he parked his truck out front and jogged to the door. He rang the doorbell and stuffed his hands in his pockets, and after a couple seconds, he saw her peek from out from behind the curtain. She looked pissed.

After a long moment, she finally stepped outside and opened an umbrella for herself, closing the door behind her.

"What are you doing here, Puck?"

"You haven't been to school in forever, you won't answer my calls...I was worried."

"So you waited a week and a half to come by? How _thoughtful_ of you." The sarcasm in her voice was biting and it took everything in him to not grab her by the shoulders and scream, "WHAT DO YOU FUCKING WANT FROM ME?!"

Instead, he just said, "Yeah, well."

She stared, waiting for him to continue. When he didn't, she let out an annoyed sigh and rolled her eyes. "What do you want? I dont have all day."

"Quinn, I'm sorry I told him, okay? If you were actually stupid enough to think you could keep this a secret forever, then I don't know what to tell you."

Her jaw dropped and she laughed mirthlessly. "You _ruin_ my life, and _that's_ all you have to say?"

He shook his head and stepped closer to her. Instinctively, she backed away. "Listen, I know you think having a baby with me is the end of the world, but you dont know anything about me. I can take care of us, okay? I'll get a job, I'll change my mom's guest room into a nursery...She wont be happy to find out about a baby but she'd never abandon us. Quinn, I'm telling you I'm here for you."

He waited for her to say something before angry tears started falling from her eyes.

"There was one thing I wanted you to do for me -- _one thing_ -- and it was to keep your mouth shut." She sniffed loudly and laughed again to herself. "And you couldn't do that."

"Quinn--" He reached out towards her and she snapped away, staring at him for a long moment.

"The baby's gone, Puck."

The words registered and yet didn't. Something about her parents thinking it was a miscarriage, about how she could never trust him to be there for her through it all, that Finn was the only person she could count on -- the only person she _loved_ -- and how Puck ruined it. How Puck ruined everything. As the rain pelted down on him, he didn't feel sadness or relief or fear...He didn't feel anything. Only the water running down his face and soaking through his clothes. The look on her face was something familiar -- that deep hopelessness, that feeling of abandonment -- but he couldn't relate to it. She made the decision to cut people out of her life, whereas he? Well, he was the one people always decided to cut.

He knew this was the end, but something inside overwhelmed him for a brief moment, and he let himself think maybe there was a way they could move past this. Two fucked up people who made so many mistakes...Maybe they could make it all right. Maybe it really was meant to be him and Quinn and Rachel and Finn all along. And then her words hit him with startling clarity.

"My parents got me transferred. I'm leaving for Akron to live with my aunt on Sunday." Despite the tough facade, he knew she was hurting. She was clutching her abdomen and the tears were flowing freely. "Forget about me, Noah. I've already forgotten about you."

---

It was ten o'clock when he found himself at Rachel's doorstep. He didn't think to look, but her dads' cars weren't in the driveway so when he lifted a shaky hand to ring the bell, she was the one who answered it.

When she opened the door, he was soaking wet and crying.

"Oh my god, Noah!" She quickly pulled him inside and peeled his jacket of his shoulders. "What happened to you?"

He tried to speak, but he was shaking uncontrollably from the cold and his body wracked with quiet sobs as years of pent up shit came bubbling to the surface. _His kid was dead._

And she? She didn't care that they weren't on speaking terms or that she actually hated Noah Puckerman's guts. Her dads were at dinner and he was _a mess_ and he came to _her_. He was _crying_ and he came to _her_.

Rachel took him by the hand and led him upstairs. "Come on, let's get you dried off and warmed up."

She brought him up to her room and wrapped a fluffy pink towel around his shoulders before grabbing a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt from her dads' room. When she came back, he was standing where she left him, his shoulders no longer shaking with sobs, but his face desolate. She dropped the clothes on her chair, flicked her space heater on, then stood in front of him. She took the towel from his shoulders and tossed it to the side, then ran her hands over his face before dropping to his sweatshirt, and lifting it tenderly over his head. She pulled his undershirt off next, then dried him off and wrapped the towel around his bare shoulders. His breathing was still ragged and he wouldn't meet her eyes, so she turned, picked up the things she brought and handed them to him.

"Here are some warm clothes. Get those jeans off before you catch pneumonia, okay? I'll go turn the heat up, I'll be back in a second."

When she returned, his wet jeans and boxers were sitting on a pile on the floor, and he was wearing what she gave him. The room was warm, and she walked up to him and took his head in her hands once again.

"Noah, what happened?" When his eyes finally met hers, they started welling up again. Immediately, she pulled him towards her, wrapping her arms tightly around his shoulders. He buried his face in her neck and as his warm tears hit her skin, she lifted his face from her, then pulled him down into her bed and the covers tightly around the both of them.

When he finally settled down, he wrapped his arms around her and whispered, "God Rachel, I'm so sorry." She didn't say anything, just hugged him back.

And then he told her everything.

---

Rachel's hands were on his face, her tears drying on her cheeks, his eyes closed. It was unbelievable to think how wrong she was about Noah; at the end of the day, he really was like anyone else. He was like anyone else but not at all, because he was lying in her bed, exhausted from crying for the baby he never wanted and would never have, and all the times people never bothered to give him the benefit of the doubt. He cried for not being accepted for who he was. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

At this point, it didn't matter what she told herself, it was clear what they had was more than friendship. Friends came to you when they needed help, but they didn't let you undress them and lie in bed with you. They didn't hold you firmly against them and whisper your name desperately over and over again with the hope that maybe this was some Wizard of Oz, "there's no place like home" shit and they'd wake up from this awful dream and everything would be better. She knew what they had was more than anything she let herself think, but it was scary -- no, _terrifying_ -- to face it. She waited for the day he'd wake up and realize she was Rachel Berry and he was Noah Puckerman and that would be that. They may have come close with their last fight, but that day never seemed to have come.

When he finished, she let what he said sink in, then opened her eyes and leaned forward, planting a warm, firm kiss on his forehead. His eyes opened slowly as she said she was there for him, then placed another warm kiss on his cheek. She told him it would all be alright, and her lips found his other cheek. Then she pulled back and her face hovered inches from his. His palms were planted on her lower back, and slowly slid up. Their eyes met, and they didnt have to say anything; they both knew.

When she leaned forward again, it was to press a deep, full kiss onto his lips. He wrapped his arms tightly around her and when she finally pulled away, his eyes were still closed and his grip still firm. She rested her forehead on his and touched his face.

"I promise it'll be okay," she said.

After a beat, his eyes were still closed. "God, Rach, why do you even bother with a loser like me?"

"You're not a loser."

"Yeah, I am."

**TBC**

---


	8. tear

This was supposed to be my last chapter before the epilogue, but I decided to split it up so I could get something new out before tomorrow's episode (!!!). So here's something considerably lighter than the past two chapters to reward you all for putting up with such crazy teenage angst. Will get back on point with plot in the next (and final) chapter, after which I have a kind of amazing epilogue in the works, if I do say so myself.

Hope you enjoy this latest bit, and as always, thanks so much for the positive feedback! You guys are so fantastic.

**---**

**8.** _tear_  
-red hot chili peppers

As the sun filtered through the curtains, the first thing Puck thought was, holy _shit_, Rachel's hair smelled _really good_.

When his eyes opened and he found his face nestled against her neck -- her back spooned snugly against his front -- he was pretty convinced he was in one of his freaky-deaky dreams and still had a little more time to pretend that his life didn't suck. So without giving it a second thought, he pulled her even tighter against him and snaked the arm he had wrapped around her under her shirt. His hand roamed over her stomach and up farther still until his thumb was grazing the underside of her breast. When his lips found her neck and he kissed that spot that made her gasp in all his best dreams, she started to stir. He smiled against her neck as he felt her hand slide over his arm under her shirt. Drowsy with sleep, she laced her fingers in his, and then pulled it out and over the covers.

Immediately, he yanked his face from her neck. This was definitely not a dream. Dream Rachel let him touch her boobs, but Real Rachel? Not so much. This was _definitely_ not a dream. This was real, and he was actually in her bed, and _fuck man_, now that he realized it, he kind of felt like he was just hit by a bus_. _

Still though, compared to the shitstorm that consumed his life the night before, this all felt so peaceful and serene, and he couldn't help but wonder..._Did all that shit actually happen or was it just some really fucked up nightmare? _

Lifting their entwined hands, she tugged his arm tightly around her shoulders and drifted back to sleep, snuggling her backside against him. Suddenly Puck began to feel considerably less like roadkill. She may have been asleep, but if she kept wagging against him like that, he was pretty sure things wouldn't bode well. (Or it would end up being the best start to a morning _ever_? After the worst night ever...? Yeah, not very likely.)

He rested his chin on her shoulder and whispered her name, hoping to wake her up and stop some of the positive tension, if you will, that was currently building up in his sweatpants (or release it? Despite all his self loathing, Puck was an optimist at heart). Slowly her eyes fluttered open, and it took a second for her to orient herself. When she felt a warm body around her and Noah's voice rumble against her ear, she remembered: he spent the night. She smiled sleepily and turned to face him before remembering the rest of what had happened the night before...Namely, his tears.

She shifted so they were still sharing the same pillow, their noses practically touching. His hands settled on her hips as she placed hers gently on his face. "How are you feeling?"

"Pretty fuckin' good, I'd say."

And then she felt a hard_...something_...pressing against her thigh. Her cheeks turned a deep crimson and he laughed softly.

"Yeah, sorry about that. You're pretty frisky in your sleep, y'know."

She buried her face in her pillow and he laughed again.

"Don't tell me you're embarrassed. Oh man, big star Rachel Berry's shy for giving a dude a boner. What happened to your 'dirty little secret' about girls wanting sex as much as guys?"

"It's true but it's not everyday I wake up with said boner jabbing into me." She groaned into her pillow, burying her face deeper. He could sense her smile so he playfully jabbed her side before tangling a hand through her hair. It was fucking crazy, man. Just being with her like this; it made him forget everything. It was like the past couple weeks never happened and they never skipped a beat. Quinn didnt matter, the fact that he was a giant fuck-up and his baby was dead...none of it mattered, because he was with Rachel, and he had no fucking clue why this was, but everything always felt so much better when he was with Rachel.

He brought his face closer to her and slid his other hand between her body and the mattress, prying her towards him. His voice went soft.

"Hey, relax. Its just me."

When she turned to face him, their legs were tangled and she was smiling tiredly. He brushed the hair out of her face so he could really see her, then left his hands there for a moment, his thumbs gently stroking her temples. "Good morning."

Every fucking muscle in his body ached (served him right for wandering around in the cold rain all night) but he didn't really give a shit as she grinned at him, before growing serious.

"How are you feeling?" She whispered again.

His hands slid down slightly and rested on her shoulders. "As far as I know, my life is still a flying fuckfest and I pretty much feel like shit, but right here, right now? I can't say I have any complaints."

He was looking at her with such awe, like she was some fucking revelation. Sure she had felt something between the two of them for a while now, but to see him express it so uninhibited was simultaneously thrilling and scary. She was never one to shy away from attention, but at this moment, she would have loved some sort of diversion to distract that intense stare of his; to make her feel less self conscious of the fact that her hair was a mess and she totally had morning breath. After a pregnant pause, he spoke up again.

"Sorry I was such a little pussy last night, yknow, with all the crying and shit. It was just--"

"_Noah_." She was glaring at him now with her trademark look of disapproval. "If you even try to apologize for actually being a living, breathing, _feeling _human being and experiencing an emotion other than joy at the expense of others, then--"

Puck's lips on hers effectively quieted her, but it wasn't like any of those other times he used a kiss to shut her up. This time he wasn't doing it so he wouldn't have to listen to her or so he could get in her pants; there was no guise or hidden agenda, no reason for it. He was kissing her because he wanted to kiss her.

As she wrapped her arms around his neck, he felt her slight smile against his lips and he hugged her closer. When they pulled away, her eyes were bright.

"Berry, I have to tell--"

All of a sudden, her bedroom door swung open and Rachel's dad was standing in the doorway, reading the paper and holding a steaming cup of coffee.

"Rachel, darling, time to get up for--" When he looked up, the color drained from his face. "_What the_--" Rachel immediately pushed Puck away and jumped out of bed.

"Daddy, I can explain!"

It had been a while since Puck had to fumble for his things as he got chased out of a girls bedroom by her pissed off dad. Come to think of it, he kinda missed the excitement. It was invigorating, really, running down the street as a dude threatened to run you over with his car. At least he actually had some clothes on this time.

---

To say that Puck was bitched out when he got home would be the understatement of the century. In fact, he didn't know what it really meant to be bitched out until just that moment. His mom was so pissed he didn't come home the night before, she not only tore him a new one, she store him five or six new ones, each bigger than the last.

Little known fact about Puck? He actually had a curfew. He might have seemed like he was all, 'fuck the man, I do what I want, when I want,' but he definitely had a curfew. And on nights his mom was working and he was supposed to stay home with his sister? Forget about it.

Not only did Puck have to babysit that night, he was also supposed to pick his sister up from ballet and get her dinner. But instead, while he was out doing "God knows what" with "God knows who," she was getting dropped off at home by Mrs. _Lorrie_, had to use her _spare key _to get in the house (he didn't understand why him mom was so upset by that; werent those situations exactly why spare keys were invented?), ate a _peanut butter and jelly sandwich_ _and oreos _for dinner (which sounded pretty awesome to Puck, to be honest), and then spent the whole night _alone_. When his mother came home and found her asleep on the couch in front of the television, she was both shocked and frantic. No matter how much he complained, Noah never blew off his family responsibilities, especially when it came to something as important as staying home with his sister. When he didn't show up all night or even respond to her calls, she was so worried, she almost called the police.

The truth of the matter was that Puck totally forgot he had to take care of his little sis. But regardless, he wasn't worried about her--the girl could totally hold her own. She may have been only ten, but nights Noah babysat her, he was always in the basement playing video games or in his room with a girl, so she knew how to take care of herself. She was a little annoyed he wasn't around to order her pizza, but PB&J wasnt as awful as their mom made it out to be.

"You will go up to your room right this instant and if you expect to leave it this weekend for anything other than using the bathroom or having dinner with your sister and I, you've got another thing coming, mister."

"Yes, ma'am." If Puck knew anything about his mother, it was that it just wasn't worth it to fight when she got like this.

When he finally got to his room, he dropped his things on the ground and fell face first into his bed. Being grounded for a month was serious shit, and though limiting his time with the jocks and Cheerios was exactly what he needed given all the crap he was going through, it also meant more time to get lost in his head: something he definitely didnt need right now.

He had finally decided there was nothing he could do about what Quinn had done; it was finished forever. The worst part about it all -- other than the fact that she was totally planning to leave without telling him anything -- was that he was starting to actually feel _relieved_. Sure, he would have given anything up for that kid, but now he didn't have to. She took the situation out of his hands and though it wasnt at all what he wanted, now he felt like this huge burden had been lifted from his shoulders. It was such a fucking cop out, he knew, and he felt like such a douche for even thinking it, but it was the truth. He had to keep reminding himself what Rachel had said last night: that it wasn't his fault, that Quinn had her own things she was dealing with and if she had just let him in, things would have been different. And that really, no matter how much he cared about that baby or wanted to make things right, it was ultimately Quinn's body and Quinn's decision. She said it with so much certainty: it's not your fault, it's not your fault, _it's__ not your fault_. Even though she knew it totally _was_ his fault; that no matter how you spun it, he slept with his best friends girl and got her pregnant.

He turned over in his bed and put his hands behind his head. Rachel, man. Rachel had this ridiculous way of making even the most awful shit seem like it wasn't that big a deal. Like there was nothing too huge to get over. That anything was possible. When she talked like that, he knew it wasn't the first time she said it. In fact, he was pretty sure thats what she told herself everyday just to get through high school.

He had no idea how things with Rachel ended up like this -- that she'd be the one he'd think about at night and not Quinn -- but he'd be lying if he said it was completely unexpected. That day he got his first ever Slushee in the face and she sat in on lap after cleaning him off, he knew there was something there. He may not have known what it was at the time, but he knew it was there. He put her through so much shit, and somehow she was with him, helping him and kissing his forehead and accepting his apology. He didn't know what it was, but there was something about her, man. Something different.

With a sigh, he sat up and reached for his bag. He may have been grounded for a month, but at least his mom didnt take his phone from him. When he opened it up, he saw her 25 missed calls from the night before, but most recently, a new text message from Rachel.

**Berry**** 8:03:57 AM: **Noah, I am SO SORRY my father went berserk on you!!! I'll have you know I gave him a stern talking to.

**9:15:34 AM****: **dont worry abt it im used to dads hating on me lol

**Berry**** 9:15:45 AM: **He doesn't hate you, he just has irrational issues with me growing up. I'm apparently grounded until college. Currently waiting to issue an appeal to my other dad though...I'm optimistic.

**9:16:28 AM****: **yeah well im grounded 4 a month so join the club. no xbox even :(

**Berry**** 9:16:50 AM****: **Oh, you poor thing. How ever will you survive?!

He laughed to himself then stared at his phone for a long moment.

**9:18:07 AM****:** hey rach i never got a chance to say it but thx...4 everything not just last nite

**Berry 9:19:52 AM****:** Noah, that's totally unnecessary. You know I'm always here for you. After all, what are friends for? ;)

He called her that night before he went to sleep. He asked her if it was fucked up that he kind of felt relieved that all that shit was over, even if it ended so badly. His lights were off and as he stared at the dark ceiling above, she reassured him, her voice soothing and calm.

Then she talked and talked and talked, then talked some more. First about him then about how she was able to get her grounding sentence reduced ("Who gets grounded for _ten days_?") then about classes and Glee ("Did you know Tina and Artie are an item now?" "Say _what_?!" "Its true!" "I totally taught him everything he knows." "What?!" "Yeah, man." "Noah, you are ridiculous.") Just as he was falling asleep to the soft lull of her rambling, she stopped.

"Noah?"

"Hmm?" He turned on his side, his eyes closed, and for a second it felt like she was there with him.

"What are we doing exactly?"

"We're talking on the phone, what does it look like we're doing?"

"No, I mean...You, me, _this_. What are we?"

"Rach, were whatever you want us to be."

**TBC**

---


	9. it goes on and on

**---**

**9.** _it goes on and on_  
-the avett brothers

---

For the first time in his life, Puck couldn't wait to go to school Monday morning. He knew dudes weren't supposed to say shit like, "I've been thinking about you all weekend" but fuck man, between all his inner turmoil, being confined to his goddamn room for the past 48 hours and remembering so vividly the feeling of her pressed up against him, you can bet your ass he was thinking about Rachel _all weekend_. In fact, Sunday afternoon, his mom almost walked in on him, uh, _thinking_. Lucky for him, after eighth grade, he made a point of always locking the door. But really though, the weird thing was that his thinking wasn't only of the imagining-her-naked variety; he actually thought about other stuff too, like what a cool chick she was when she wasn't being a spaz and how dudes at McKinley didn't know what they were missing. He thought about how small her hands were and how soft the skin on the back of her neck was. He thought about her pink pajama bottoms with little purple elephants and how the way she always said what was on her mind, no matter what anyone thought, reminded him a lot of himself. Puck knew thinking all these things made him certifiably fruity, but it was hard not to. In all his sixteen years, she was the only girl he'd ever known who made a point to tell him what a dumbass he was and yet still put up with him. She never conspired to be his girlfriend or fell over herself to make him dig her, and she was definitely the only person who saw him beyond his rep. The truth of the matter was that Puck was a douche to most girls because he didn't really give a shit about any of 'em, but when he actually cared about someone? Things were a lot different. For a while there, he really did care about Quinn, but she bailed like everyone else did when she saw what fuck up he was. For some reason though, Rachel didn't.

On Monday morning, he picked her up from her house (actually, more like a block away from her house so her dads wouldn't see him) on his way to school. When she climbed up into his front seat, it was like any other Monday morning and her mouth was running a mile a minute.

"You know you didn't have to do this, Noah, I'm perfectly content riding the bus! I only have a few more weeks until I get my license, which I am _so excited _for, by the way. Plus, there's something inspiring about a good ol' fashioned bus ride. It's almost cathartic, that time I get with my iPod--"

When she realized that the car was still in park and he was staring at her, his head tilted to one side and that trademark Puckerman half-smile tattooed on his face, she grew quiet and a bit self-conscious. She wasn't stupid: she knew her and Puck were officially an unofficial couple, but it was weird to face him and what they had with the morning sun shining in her eyes and the notes for her bio quiz on her lap. It was strange how things worked: all she ever wanted was a real, honest to goodness, love-you-til-the-day-I-die boyfriend, and now that she was about a half step away from that, she was scared. (Probably because it was _Noah Puckerman_ -- not exactly her fairy tale leading man -- and this wasn't as easy as she thought it'd be).

She took a deep breath, and smiled, trying to imagine that they weren't on their way to school but rather hanging out in his room reviewing theorems and postulates.

She tilted her head towards him and glared jokingly. "Noah, your smitten kitten routine is making me seriously question your badassness."

"Shut up, Berry." For a split second, he thought of following that up with, 'and come to Big Papa' but he knew that would warrant the lecture to end all lectures because she never got his jokes. So instead, he actually _thought _before he spoke (a first!) and leaned over and kissed her warmly as her hands fluttered up to his face. When he finally pulled away, her eyes were still closed so he gave her one more quick peck before turning to the steering wheel again. He didnt get far though, because she was tugging him back by the collar of his flannel shirt, crushing his lips back against hers roughly. He smiled as their teeth clashed and their tongues battled.

She was the first to pull away this time, clearing her throat and combing her fingers through her hair, leaving him really pleased with himself and slightly dazed from how tight his jeans suddenly felt.

"So, I have this absolutely abominable biology quiz coming up first period...I wouldn't be surprised if I got a B+ on it, there is just _way _too much material and he didn't give us enough advanced notice to prepare for it at all. Plus, you know how I hate all this dissection business...I just can't relate, okay? Is it so wrong that I find it heartless to cut open something that was once _alive_ all for the sake of testing my knowledge of material that I'm never going to even use or need in my future career in musical theater?--"

As usual, Puck wasn't listening to a word she said, and instead was thinking about whether Quinn had told Finn about the baby or her leaving. No matter what weird soul-connection vibe Finn had going on with Rachel in the beginning, the reality was that the boy was in love with Quinn. It wasn't just because he thought she was the mother of his baby that he stuck with her the way he did. Come on, you know shit's real when the dude takes a verbal beat down basically every day and still sings her love songs for fun. That was part of the reason why telling Finn about him and Quinn was so fucking hard: Finn was just a big, naive kid in love.

As her blathering continued on, his mind wandered to what it would be like walking into school with Rachel and being _together _together, and if it would mean he'd lose his place in the social hierarchy (as she'd say) and be destined to live the life of a gleek for the rest of his high school days. He was pretty sure that last time around, the shit he took was more for Glee than her it was universally recognized that Rachel Berry had a great ass but her weirdness always outweighed the pluses. His popularity may not have been enough to dig her out of the dregs of loserdom (broaching the topic of her changing her personality was definitely not gonna happen...Plus, he was starting to think her weirdness was cute) but he was pretty sure her rep wasn't enough to bring him down. Come on, he was _Puck_. Lets be real here.

She was still talking and he was still not listening when he reached over without thinking and put his hand on her knee. She looked down and her voice caught in her throat for a second before she lifted his hand and sandwiched it between her own.

"So, I only ask this because I have no real experience with things like this, and seeing as what we have now is a pretty unique situation compared to last time..."

"Out with it, Berry."

"Does this mean you're not gonna drop me off a block from school and make me walk the rest of the way?"

---

When they got to school, she was afraid (and secretly hoping) he'd do something overt and awful like sling his arm around his shoulder or call her baby in public, but he didn't. He did something infinitely better. They were talking about some stupid prank he saw on YouTube when they were walking from his car to the school (Puckerman and Berry getting out of the same car in the morning? _Scandal_) when his first two fingers just kind of hooked around hers and it took her a second to realize it: they were holding hands. No, seriously, they were _holding hands_. Like it was the most normal, natural thing any two polar opposite people had ever done. He did it discreetly and tucked their hands in the space between them as they walked through the front doors, then started calling his friends names and using more profanity than she felt comfortable with as they passed through the halls. Suddenly, she was so acutely aware of everything going on around her and inside her. Was this what it felt like to really love someone? She thought it must, because it was so different than her Finn butterflies and it made complete sense why people could only truly express this feeling through song.

After turning the corner, they stopped at her locker so she could switch her things. As she scrolled through her combination, he was leaning against the locker next to hers, his eyes scanning the halls when she heard Finn call out.

"Yo Puck, can I talk to you for a sec? Alone?"

Finn was looking over at Rachel nervously as she pretended not to pay attention to what was going on behind her.

"Hell no, man. I don't know if you remember, but last time we talked, there was less talking and more beating the shit out of each other. And to be honest, dude, I'm not in the mood today."

"Seriously, forget about last time, this is important. And I just don't think--" Finn gestured to Rachel not so subtlety with his head as she turned around and faced him. "--This needs to be shared, you get me?"

"Dude, whatever you have to say, just say it," Puck placed his hand on the base of Rachel's back and Finn's eyes immediately shot from the gesture to both of their faces. He was genuinely confused--didn't Rachel and Puck end things a long time ago?

"Wait, you two are--?"

"Yeah, we kind of are, I guess." Rachel looked up at Puck, then back over at Finn. "Noah told me everything that happened, but don't worry, I'd never tell a soul."

Finn clenched his jaw and furrowed his brow and she couldnt tell if this was his angry/jealous face or his confused/hurt face, but either way, it made that little part of her that still clung to the idea of making Finn fall madly in love with her a little bit happy. It took a second for him to take it in and shake his head.

"Okay, whatever. Puck, I just wanted to say I'm sorry, dude. I'm really sorry."

"Whatever man, bruises heal."

"What? No, I'm not apologizing for that. You totally deserved what I gave you." He looked around for a second then leaned in and whispered, "you got my _girlfriend pregnant_, dude." With that, Puck's characteristic scowl immediately returned. "You're lucky I didn't do worse."

He had a point.

"I'm sorry about what Quinn decided to do. The shit you pulled was really fucked up, but it must've really sucked for her to do that behind your back."

Rachel took Pucks hand in hers and squeezed it softly. But not without Finn clenching his jaw slightly in recognition.

"Yeah, it did." Puck paused for a second, then looked up at Finn. "Dude, I'm sorry she left. I know how much she meant to you."

Now Rachel was holding Puck's hand between both of hers, and Finn just looked up at the ceiling.

"Whatever, that's life I guess. But I don't know, maybe this means we can start things over again. Try to move past it, you know?"

"That'd be cool, man."

"And you know, maybe the baby thing ended up being for the best in the end. I mean, its not like you could ever be a dad anyway."

"Excuse me?"

"Come on, Puck, I'm just saying we both know you could never deal with something like that. Youve never had a real girlfriend in your life and you blow all your money on beer and weed. And dip."

"Are you saying I would've made a shitty dad?" He let go of Rachel's hand and got up in Finns face.

"I'm just saying maybe it was for the best, man." He raised his shoulders so he was towering over Puck. "And yeah, you kind of would make a shitty dad." With that Rachel rushed between them, begging them to stop, but it was too late. Puck threw the first punch, and it all went downhill from there. A crowd gathered around them and as usual, Mr. Shue was the one to break it up.

"You guys seriously need to get your act together, okay?" Puck didn't wait to hear the rest of Mr. Shue's lecture, looking once at Rachel before pushing his way through the crowd and down the hall. When Rachel turned back to Finn, she shook her head and laughed sarcastically.

"You know, I told Noah he could trust you. That you'd understand and if you were really his friend, you'd know he wasn't what people made him out to be. But apparently I was really wrong about you, Finn Hudson."

---

When Rachel arrived at Glee, the room grew silent. Everyone knew what had happened that morning; the rumor mill at McKinley was second to none. Word in the halls was that Puck and Rachel were together and Finn couldnt stand it: nowhere near the truth. She sat in the front, saving a seat for Puck, who of course, never showed. She did her best to avoid eye contact with everyone, but especially Finn-- she wasnt up for the fight.

Which was why she was really surprised when Finn stopped her on his way out and told her she was right.

Sure, he and Puck never had any heartfelt conversations about their feelings and shit, but if anyone at that school had any glimmer of an idea about who Noah Puckerman really was, it was Finn. He did still think Puck would make a pretty shitty dad, but he wouldn't make a much better one. It was just easier to hate him for being the dude that knocked Quinn up than remember why they were friends to begin with.

The funny thing was, he really did want to fix things with Puck. When he came up to him that morning it was because he had talked to Quinn for nearly two hours on the phone the night before, and she was actually honest with him. She told him that she did love him, but it was one night early on when he joined Glee and she saw the way he looked at Rachel...And Puck was just there. She was drunk and Puck was there. He didn't want to at first, but she pushed and they were just both _so drunk_...She knew it was a mistake the second it happened and she wanted nothing to do with him afterward, she promised. She told him she didn't lie to be deceitful, she lied because she _chose Finn_. Puck may have gotten her pregnant, but she wanted Finn to be the father.

They even talked about her decision to get rid of the baby, which wasn't really her decision at all. Her parents made her do it. She still wanted to have it and screw Puck, who cares, she'd leave him and raise it alone if she had to, because she knew shed get Finn back someday. Her parents didn't agree though.

But there was just something about seeing Rachel with Puck like that holding his hand in hers and the way he let her stay...Something about it just hit the wrong chord. He didn't mean to be such a douche, honestly. Because at the end of the day it was just the Puck and him left, and hating each other for the rest of high school wasn't particularly appealing to Finn. Plus, he missed Quinn, and it would be nice to have someone to talk about it with.

"I don't know, it would just be really cool to have my best friend back, y'know? Even if it is just to have someone to play videogames and get drunk with."

"Finn, I think that's a great idea."

---

Rachel made her way into the gym just as the third quarter was starting. She climbed up the bleachers and found a spot in the back, her eyes immediately scanning for number 20. He was laughing (probably taunting the other team, she was sure) and turned to give Finn a high five. The whistle blew and a player on the side passed the ball in to Puck, he faked a move towards the basket then slyly passed it to Finn for the lay up. They pounded chests and ran down the court, and his eyes met hers. He gave her a little head nod and she grinned.

Not only did they win their game that night, but Rachel totally let him touch her boobs. All in all, a pretty fuckin' good day if you asked Puck.

**---**

**author's**** note: **I can't believe we've come to the end of this story! SO SAD. Keep your eyes out for an epilogue, I'll try to post one in the next couple days before Thanksgiving! And if you have any ideas or prompts for fic for me to write in the future, by all means send them my way. I can already forsee me needing a support group and lots of fic to satisfy my Rachel/Puck itch until we get something in the show. And as always, thanks so much for all your enthusiasm.


	10. epilogue: king of the rodeo

I like happily ever afters. So sue me.

---

**EPILOGUE**

**10.** _king__ of the rodeo_  
-kings of leon

---

So, as it turned out, baseball season was totally Rachel's favorite time of the year, but she didn't realize it until May hit, Glee ended, and suddenly her afternoons were all blue skies and birds chirping; Noah smelling like leather and freshly cut grass, tasting like sunflower seeds and grape Big League Chew bubblegum (her favorite). On the day of their five month anniversary (dude, don't think Puck was pussy-whipped, he wouldn't have known the day was anything other than Thursday if she hadn't been bugging him about it all week) he had a home game against their biggest rival, East Lima High. So after ballet, she pulled his oversized warm up jacket over what she was wearing and made her way out to the field, his big red 20 emblazoned on her arm. She never knew that sports (let alone one as boring as baseball) could be so fun to watch, but it probably had something to do with the fact that his teammates' girlfriends were, shockingly, not heinous bitches to her. At first, she thought it was some prank they were trying to pull -- lulling her into a false sense of security with all their niceness so they could humiliate her and leave her sad and boyfriendless -- but wow, was she wrong about that. After a couple weeks, she realized that they were just honest to goodness _nice girls_. Not only were they nice girls, they were _pretty_ and _popular_ girls who wore things like flannel shirts instead of booty shorts, played sports, and she could have sworn a couple were even on the honor roll last semester. They were pretty much the complete antithesis of everything Rachel expected them to be. Somehow, these girls were normal and didn't care that she wasn't. They just saw her as the girl who was finally teaching Puckerman to not be such an obnoxious dick all the time (he was still very much an obnoxious dick, but he acted on it far less frequently) and they welcomed her into their little world.

So with baseball season came a new chapter in Rachel Berry's teenage years: one in which she had a life outside of Glee, where she actually hung around after school somewhere other than the music room or dance studio, where she wore school colors to games and went to bonfires and knew cheers by heart. A life where her boyfriend hit the game winning walk-off homerun on their anniversary; where she rushed the field and jumped into arms.

Basically, she was living out every high school cliche that ever was. But things weren't always so perfect.

---

In spite of all they had been through that fall with Quinn and the baby drama, when they officially became an unofficial couple, Puck wanted to keep things on the down low and she was surprisingly okay with it. Dating a McKinley-certified loser would take some getting used to, okay? Even though he said he didn't give a fuck what people thought about him, at the end of the day, his world revolved around what people thought about him ("Seriously, Rach, we are not leaving this car until you tell me if this shirt is badass enough to wear in public. I have a rep, okay?!") and she knew that. Sure, everyone knew they were going out, but Puck made an extra effort to not be loud and obnoxious about it. When he was with Santana it was all tonguing each other at the lockers and getting a detention a week for "promiscuous behavior." But with Rachel, it was his arm slung over her shoulders and many a secret rendezvous in storage closets during lunch periods.

Though a part of her craved the public attention that should have come with dating the third most popular boy in the school, she understood his reluctance: if she had what he had, she wouldn't want to give it up either. But the way he looked at her when it was just the two of them was so tender and earnest and un-Puck, she didn't have the heart to get mad at him.

It didn't take long though for Puck to realize what a dumbass he was being. If he had to pinpoint the exact moment when it hit him, it was probably time when Rachel decided she wanted to learn how to play basketball. He had keeled over laughing ("You realize you are, like, a half inch taller than the average midget, right?") and she punched him hard in the side. When he stepped out of the guys locker room the next day, she was standing by the water fountain in a bright pink tank top and those tight little yoga pants he loved on her. No matter what bullshit she spewed about how playing would better inform her perspective on the sports cultural relevance ("Seriously, babe, is it that hard to just speak English? You sound like fuckin' Wikipedia.") he knew why she really wanted these lessons. They barely saw each other in school and her dads still hated his guts, which made chill time hard to come by on weekdays. She was there because she wanted an excuse to spend more time with him without seeming like one of those annoying clingy girls who worshipped the ground their boyfriends walked on.

When he saw her there, yeah his ego blew up slightly (how could it not when your girl was waiting for you after a rough practice?) but mostly he realized what a douche he was. Taking other people's feelings into consideration was new, uncharted territory for him, but he was a surprisingly quick learner.

He shot her his best smart-ass grin and she just shook her head as he walked over and dropped his things at her feet, still smiling smugly. She put her hands on her hips and told him to shut up before he pulled her into a bear hug and lifted her so her lips were even with his. She laughed begrudgingly and wrapped her arms around his neck before kissing him firmly. When she pulled back for air and her feet slowly reached the ground again, she looked up at him.

"Swish swish, let's make some baskets!"

"_Shoot some hoops_, Rach."

"Oh! Right."

Their lesson lasted a grand total of five minutes. After she airballed every shot, he gave up and called her towards him. She shrieked when he grabbed her by the waist and hoisted her up towards the basket, then she peered down and threw him a smile.

"Noah Puckerman, you're a genius."

"Hey man, I'm not all beauty, I've got some brains, too." After a few dunks, he put her down and framed her face in his hands.

"Y'know, I kinda think you don't give a shit about basketball."

"That is absolutely absurd, of course I care about basketball!" Her hands were on her hips in indignation, and his eyes narrowed. After a beat, she sighed. "Okay, fine. What gave me away?" She stood on his feet and let her hands drift down the front of his chest, then around his back. He gave her another smug Puckerman grin before kissing her long and hard. When they finally pulled away, her voice was breathy and her hands were still locked around his waist. "Noah..." She had that look in her eye that usually made him dump girls like last week's trash -- that look that told him things were getting serious -- but this time, it was different because it wasn't just her ass he wanted, it was everything: obsessive compulsive personality, heinous knee socks and all. She didn't need to finish her thought because he knew how stupid he'd been.

Screw his friends, they were all full of shit anyway.

---

As things got more typically Puck between them -- him grabbing her hips from behind as she dug through her locker, being all hands before Glee, and standing way too far in her space than Mr. Shue was comfortable with -- Rachel realized it was actually a lot harder being a popular guy's girlfriend than it was for Puck to be a loser girl's boyfriend. In fact, his crowd stressed her out more than anything else at school, even more than Mr. Shue's woeful song selections. Every weekend, at least one of Puck's friends' parents was out town, so there was always a kegger in someone's basement or some team party where all the most popular kids at school got drunk and took part in general teenage debauchery. She didn't even know these parties existed, so sure, the first one was really exciting, but it didn't take long for her to realize they kind of sucked, because the popular crowd? Was not nice at all.

Still, she went to a handful of those stupid gatherings at first, just to make him happy. It was kind of nice to have his arm draped protectively around her waist, and aside from the near-constant death stare she'd get from Santana, people were generally pretty amiable. Still, she always ended up spending the whole night feeling out of place and awkward. Yeah, she drank, but it was more for leisure than to actually get drunk. In fact, the idea of being in a near-constant state of drunkenness repulsed her. So sitting on Puck's arm like some prize trophy as he got more and more intoxicated and ridiculous wasn't exactly her idea of fun. And the bitchy, wasted girls who threw themselves at him as she was sitting right there? Also not her idea of fun.

At the fourth party he dragged her to, she started to think that maybe her relationship with Noah was a bad idea they were clearly from two different worlds and didn't have any interests in common other than music (in the vague, broad sense) and each other. It just seemed smart to stop things where they were; it would hurt, but it wouldn't hurt as much as it would if they got more attached to each other.

She wandered around Danny Davies' house for a while that night, playing with his dog and walking around the pool, thinking hard about what she needed to do. When she returned to see Santana sitting comfortably on Puck's lap, she barely registered what was going on when her eyes started to well up. Clearly it was a sign: not only was a break up imminent, it was definitely the right course of action.

She was frozen to the spot, surprised and yet not at all (he was Puck, after all; who was she to think she could change him?) so she watched them from afar.

To her shock, with one swift move, he pushed Santana off his lap and she fell on her ass.

"Bitch, _please_." His voice carried across the room, over the music and party chatter and Rachel flinched, stunned that Puck actually turned down a free invitation from Santana Lopez, of all people. She laughed to herself, her smile fixed on her lips even as she made her way across the room. Maybe she didn't give Noah enough credit after all.

When she reached him, he put his hands on her hips and beamed up at her with that ridiculous, happy drunk face of his before pulling her down onto his lap.

"Hey there sexy lady," his lids were heavy and his cheeks red, and she just laughed and put a hand on his face. "Missed you B," he leaned in and kissed her languidly. When she pulled back, his eyes were still closed and his face tilted forward, looking for hers. She laughed softly and patted his cheek.

"Alright Romeo, I think I'm heading out early tonight."

"What?! We just got here like an hour ago, come on."

"I know, I know, I'm just feeling a little..." She looked around the room then down at her hands. "I don't know, just a little out of sorts."

He lifted her chin towards him and looked concerned. "I don't know what that means, but if someone here gave you shit, I swear to God I will kick their ass"

"Whoa there, tiger, relax. Everything's fine, I'm just tired. You stay, have fun, you can call me when you head out."

He glared at her, then reluctantly said okay and gave her a kiss.

"Alright, now car key?" He rolled his eyes and sighed as he dug into his pocket.

"This is totally unnecessary, I may be stupid but I'm not an idiot," he took his car key off his ring and tossed it to her.

"That's arguable." She made a face at him and he took her hand, laughing sarcastically before pulling her back towards him for one last kiss.

The second she got in the car, she immediately regretted her decision. It wasn't that she didn't trust Noah, it was just that he wasn't just a sixteen year old "dude," he was _Puck_ and everyone in that house was gorgeous and twig-like and ready to give it up to him when the two of them hadn't even had sex yet! Noah didn't have a reputation for nothing, and who was she to think that a month and a half with her could change any of that?

She had been home for just half an hour when she fully convinced herself she made the biggest mistake of her high school life and that her first real boyfriend was totally having sex with another girl right that second. That is, until she heard a tap on her window and saw him standing in the grass below.

Her dads were watching a movie in the basement when she snuck his slightly stumbling self up to her room. She smiled against his lips as he kissed her and told him she was convinced he had forgotten about her and was hooking up with Santana in that basement.

"Baby, I have never meant this more than I do now: _you are fucking crazy_. Why would I ever downgrade from the 100% fine piece I've got right here to that hobag?"

"Because you're Noah Puckerman."

"I take offense to that." He paused for a second and thought. "But thank you."

After fooling around for a little while, he pulled his sweatshirt off and threw his jeans over the side of the bed before cuddling up with her under the covers. Puck was a frisky drunk, yes, but he was also a happy drunk and a tired drunk.

"Hey, thanks for coming over tonight." His eyes were closed and she was tracing the lines on his face.

"I know those parties aren't your thing, B. I'm sorry."

With that, she kissed his lips and burrowed her face in his neck as he hugged her closer and fell asleep.

---

Regionals were early March in Chicago and the Best Western they stayed at was right smack in the heart of the city: all lights, glamour and jazz. Rachel was so revved up, the second they got there she went straight to her room to rehearse, but Puck roamed around the city with Finn, Artie and Tina. They were eating at a 24-hour sub place when Mr. Shue found them and switched Tina's room assignment, giving her a key to Rachel's. Puck was supposed to be rooming with Artie that night, but obviously, the second Shue left, he swapped keys with Tina and made plans to sneak back before their six AM wake up call the next morning.

When Puck slipped into her room, Rachel was wearing one of his basketball tees as a night shirt, humming 'Sweet Caroline' to herself. She spun around and nearly screamed when she felt hands on her hips. When she saw it was him, she started laughing, and he knew he was totally getting laid that night.

Yes, it may have been a violation of her number one rule about no distractions the night before big performances, but it was Chicago, they had the room to themselves and it just seemed wrong to not have her first time be so magical. She expected him to be loud and raunchy and, well, Puck, but as they undressed each other, his eyes were locked on hers and he was uncharacteristically quiet. She was nervous and tense, but his voice was gentle and his hands soft. He whispered a husky apology and warned her it might hurt, asked if she was she sure she was ready? _I'm sure, I'm sure,_ she whispered breathlessly into his neck; she had never been more sure of anything in her whole life.

As they lay together after, he ran his thumb over her lips, a faraway look in his eye. He told her she was beautiful -- also a first -- and she told him she loved him (why hide it anymore? She didn't care what he'd think, and was pretty sure he wouldnt run). He didn't need to say anything back because it was written all over his face. Dude had it _bad_.

The next day, The New Directions shocked everyone even themselves and took home the gold.

---

Don't be fooled, just because everything seemed idyllic and perfect doesn't mean it was. Noah was still mostly his insufferable, nincompoop self and Berry still the same apeshit, uptight psycho girl that made him legit want to light himself on fire. So it goes without saying that they fought _all the fucking time_. The amazing thing though was that it was never really about anything important, or really anything at all. They had a knack for turning absolutely nothing into an argument. Like, "Hey look, Rach, the sky's blue," "_What_? How _dare_ you even _insinuate_ that the sky is any shade but _azure_" ...You get the picture. Bitch was crazy.

But so was he! Trying to imply that her wardrobe needed updating..._What boyfriend tells their girlfriend their clothes are ugly_? She was pretty sure that was the unspoken rule of relationships: no matter what, your girlfriend is always hot and everything she wears is a vision to behold. Right?

"Dude, Rachel, chill the fuck out, I'm not saying you're ugly. You're practically the hottest girl at this school."

"_Practically_?"

"You _are_ the hottest girl, okay? You _are_. Jesus."

"Look, I may not wear tight little T-shirts like you and have my harem of slutty girls rubbing up against me all the time--"

"For the record, that would be really hot."

"--But Noah Puckerman, I will have you know that my wardrobe is _unique_ and _inspired_ and an expression of who I am on the _inside_. And if you can't accept that..."

"See, that's the thing, it's not. You look like a fucking Sesame Street character..._From the seventies_. And don't even try to give me that bullshit about being an _arteest_ because, god, we all know you want to be a star, but that doesn't mean you have to dress like a freak!"

She raised her voice and walked towards him, pointing a warning finger in his face.

"AND IF YOU CAN'T ACCEPT THAT ABOUT ME THEN..."

He was trying really hard to fight the smile that was creeping up, but she was so short and the way she was scrunching her nose was kind of adorable. And by adorable he obviously meant, _shit man, fuckin' hot!_

"Then what, Rach?"

God, that stupid, Cheshire grin of his was like Kryptonite to her grudges.

(Little known secret? They fought about everything because the make up sex was mind-blowing. Every. Single. Time.)

---

Yeah, they lost Nationals. But it didn't come as much of a surprise to anyone. One fairy tale win was more than any of them could have hoped for, but two would have just been greedy. No one cared though because the competition was in New York City, they had a three day weekend, and Mr. Shue pulled some strings to get them tickets to see Wicked the night before. Though the whole weekend was way too fruity for Puck's taste, it was a dream come true for Rachel, so he had a good time anyway. Plus, New York was kick ass and he and Finn were pretty sure they saw a prostitute, which was obviously fuckin' awesome.

Four months, three twelve-hour break ups, and one heartbreaking defeat later (the baseball team lost their championship as well), it was the second to last day of summer, and Puck got the two of them tickets to see Kings of Leon in Toledo.

"Rachel Berry, get your ass out here or I'll have to come in there and drag you out!" He was banging his forehead against her door, about ready to punch himself in the face in frustration. She had made him wait out there for the past _fifteen minutes_. Fifteen minutes! He had already seen her naked (many, many times) so what was the big deal?

"Noah Puckerman, first of all, I don't respond to vulgar threats from brutes like you. Second of all, you think using my first and last name is intimidating but it's totally not. It actually just makes me really happy because isn't that the kind of name that was made to be printed on a playbill?!"

"Rachel, for the love of God--"

Finally, she swung the door open.

He stared at her, his jaw agape, but not in the good way. "Dude, are you serious?"

"What? Is this not proper concert-going attire?" She looked down at her outfit then back up at him. Her pastel pink polo shirt and yellow pleated mini-shirt, quite frankly, looked ridiculous next to his jeans and Zeppelin tee.

"Rach, were gonna look like the fucking Odd Couple."

She rolled her eyes and pushed past him.

"Noah, when will you stop caring so much about what other people think? Everyone will be there for the music anyway, no one will give us a second thought."

"Rachel. You look like a fucking Easter egg basket."

"Well then what do you want me to do? Strap on some leather pants and a halter top?"

"Wait, you have leather pants?!"

_"Noah_."

"Okay, fine, whatever. Finn's already biting my head off about being late, let's just go."

She did look like an Easter egg basket and people did stare, but for once in his life, Noah Puckerman really and truly did not give a flying fuck.

---


End file.
